Calm After the Storm
by LadiSmilePretty
Summary: [Post War Storm] "It has been ninety days, three long full months since I have set foot in this country. Since I have smelled its air. Since I have heard his voice." Mare Barrow is trying her best to figure out herself as well as the world she finds herself in.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination.

One

I received letters from him, and of course, I didn't respond. I couldn't respond, I couldn't even read them. I knew as soon as I did, if I told him the things I repeat to myself before I fall asleep, _I love you, I miss you, please wait for me, Cal,_ he would be on the next jet to Montfort. But most of all, it would make it harder to stay away from him. It would make me miss him more violently than I already do.

I received letters every time Julian would visit Montfort. With Julian's job of Nortan Ambassador, his visits have become more frequent. His plane would land once every two weeks at the Montfort airfield and Julian would be at my doorstep the next day.

The first letters were a month after the Nortan Republic was established, three weeks after I had left Norta.

Julian showed up on the doorstep of my family's home, his hands clasped behind his back, clad in black pants and a lemon yellow shirt. I don't know when he did away with the dusty mustard colored robes but tailored slacks suit him.

My mother opened the door and welcomed my old tutor with a giant hug, clearly taking Julian off guard by the surprise evident in his face. My mother has always liked Julian, more so after I told her about more of my time with the Silvers and of his tutelage.

Dad is still more reserved in his liking of certain Silvers, but he owes gratitude to Julian and Sara Skonos. He strode over to meet Julian and clasped hands with him. "Good to see you, Jacos." He greeted with a genuine grin on his face, meeting the old singers eye contact with no fear. Either he doesn't know what Julian is capable of or he doesn't care, fearing nothing from Julian.

"As well as you, Daniel," Julian took stock of my father's stance nodding in approval, his smile spreading. "Sara will be pleased to hear you are excelling with every step."

My father, one hand still in Julian's, takes his other hand and covers Julian's, "I can never thank her enough."

Julian reciprocates Dad's actions and looks at their hands, as if struck by this simple moment. A red man's hands in a Silver nobles. He meets my father's eyes with meaning, "And I can't thank you enough." My father clapped Julian on the shoulder, a genuine smile on his lips.

As my parents leave us in the entry way Julian hands me a package of three letters tied with red twine. They are thick royal stationary. Slightly browned, with a stamp of the burning crown embossed upon the paper. No other use for the Royal House of Calore's stationary than writing the red-blooded lightening girl. "The top one is from Sara and me. The other two…" He ran a hand through his pale thinning hair. "Well the other two are from Cal." The corners of his eyes wrinkle as he looked down to me. "But, I suppose you already knew that."

I nodded. Of course I knew.

I took the letters and held onto them for a week before I even untied the string.

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	2. Chapter 2

Two

I was sitting on a stone wall overlooking the mountain valley below staring down at the package of paper in my hands. The ivy crawling over the walls tickle my skin as the breeze blows it gently against me.

I didn't even hear her walk up the path, she had stopped donning metal for fashion and without it, and it is difficult to hear her coming.

"Hello Mare." Evangeline purred leaning over the stones next to me, looking down at the cliff below. "Are you going to open them or not?" She asked not bothering with pleasantries.

"How?" I stumble over the word. I haven't spoken to her in at least a month. I knew she was in Montfort and I had caught glimpses of her silver hair from a far in the market a few times but we had no reason to speak. Not anymore.

She pointed up the mountainside to a villa's balcony overlooking the stone path. A familiar red head waved and smiled down from the railing not twenty feet above us. "Hello Mare," Elaine Haven called from her spot on the terrace. Her fire hair cascading over one shoulder.

"Elaine and I have been watching you for almost an hour starring at those papers." Evangeline said calling back my attention to her, "I'll help you out, one of them is a wedding invitation. I got one as well." At the sudden blush in my cheeks and the widening of my eyes she quickly clarified, "It is for Julian and Sara's wedding." If I didn't know better, I could have sworn she smiled as she looked back down at the stone, curling a piece of ivy around her finger.

"Oh?" I responded pulling at the red string holding the papers together. "And the other two?" I asked, knowing she would be of no help.

I hear her sigh and see her out of the corner of my eye pulling herself up on the short wall to sit beside me, her facing the villas. "Listen, I know we're not friends. But at this point I don't really think we are enemies either. Am I wrong?" She asks looking at me sidelong.

She isn't wrong. I don't hate her like I once did. She has saved my life more times than I can count and I hers. But still when I look at her I see her brother, and then I see Shade. I shake my head anyway.

She holds her hands in her lap and is quiet for a moment before she speaks again. "War makes us all do terrible things." She looks up and meets my eyes. "I know this is no consolation and if I were you I…" She trailed off shaking her head, looking back down at her hands. "I don't know how many people my brother has killed. I'm sure you could understand not wanting to tally up the death toll." She looks up at me again. "But he regrets it. Killing your brother. He told me so himself. He said if he could erase anyone of them, bring back anyone that he had taken, it would have been your brother."

I look out to the mountain not knowing what to do with that admission, the slate gray of the stone is cold and unyielding. It doesn't change anything. Shade is still dead, but I feel something loosen in my chest. "I won't kill him." I remind her quietly letting my gaze meet Evangeline's. "But I can't promise that Farley won't." I look down at the package in my hands, "I don't think Shade would want me to at this point." As I say it, I hadn't thought it before, but it feels true. I don't think Shade would want me to hold on to that anger.

"And I…" She sighed looking up to the sky. "I let my father die. I let Annabel and Julian kill him."

I snap my head up to look at her. "What?" And then I remember what Farley had told me a few months ago, Volo Samos falling like a shining stone just to splatter on to the deck of the Lakelander Queens battle ship.

She doesn't explain but continues as if I hadn't said anything. "What I'm trying to tell you is that there are people who left this war with bigger crosses and heavier burdens to carry then you. We have all done terrible things to survive. When," She stops looking at the package in my hands, "If you read those letters just try to think past what happened to you and think about what he went through. Whether right or wrong, put yourself in his position." She hops down from the stone wall brushing dust from her pants. "And maybe, just maybe, I'm hoping the little lightening girl gets her happily ever after." She looks up at me then, her eyes meeting mine. "She deserves it. And if you tell anyone I said that, I'll kill you." I smile weakly at that, knowing the threat is empty. She turns on her heel and starts back up the stone path. "Let me know if you ever want to spar, I know you must be itching for it."

Again, she isn't wrong.

I don't know how long I sat on that wall. I'm not sure when Evangeline got so wise, or kind for that matter but of course, it doesn't change anything. Or… does it change everything? I put the package of letters back in my pocket without reading them. As I walk down the path and I could have sworn I heard a disappointed groan from above and someone hissing 'Coward'. Maybe I will take her up on her sparring offer.


	3. Chapter 3

Three

Two weeks later Julian arrived with another set of letters. Three more to be exact. This time they were tied with a purple silk ribbon. Still, I don't read them.

Instead I put them with the rest and meet Evangeline for our sparring session.

A week after I had seen her on the path I took her up on her offer. I haven't needed to use my ability in over a month and I miss it. I miss the lightening, I miss the feeling of peace.

She was already waiting for me as I walked into the small training room. Montfort's training arenas are a lot smaller than Norta's. There are some Silvers and even Newbloods here that fight for sport, for fun, so we are not alone here. I walk my way over to her as she leans back on a bench waiting for the sparring match currently going on to finish. She watches almost bored with the fighters.

Everyone stares as I walk in and I try to ignore their gazes. They know who Evangeline and I are. And, what we have done. I try not to think about what they have heard and what they believe as I pass them.

I look out to the sand patch where two fighters are in the middle of a battle. A silver nymph and, by the hue of the other fighters cheeks, a newblood telkie. I don't think I've seen either of them before. With a city as big as Ascendant, it's not hard. It also helps that I have made no effort to be social or make friends.

I sit down next to Evangeline on the bench silently, my elbows on my knees as I lean forward. As I watch, I see the telkie eyeing us out of the corner of his eye. The nymph notices and his gaze also strays, missing the telkie throwing a heavy weighted ball into the nymphs face.

The nymph falls, and my back goes rigid imagining the nymph getting up and drowning the red blooded telkie. I feel Evangeline's hand gentle on my shoulder. "Wait." She says, barely above a whisper.

The nymph, silver blood running across his face, is laughing. Deep belly laughs. The telkie chuckles making his way over to the nymph, "That's what you get for not paying attention." The telkie laughs as he helps the nymph up.

"I know, I know," The silver agrees grumbling, "I should know better to look away with you around." He claps a hand on the telkie's shoulder. They're friends. "Same time tomorrow?" The nymph asks and the telkie nods.

"Where else would I be?" The telkie wraps an arm around the nymphs shoulders, "Come on, let's go get your nose fixed up." He leads the silver out of the training grounds and I look at Evangeline over my shoulder.

She nods, "I know, I keep waiting for something to happen too." She stands brushing the palms of her hands on her thighs. "Well, you ready?" She says tipping her head toward the sand.

I nod, following her into the changing room, pulling my bag with my change of clothes onto my shoulder.

We're silent as we change and I can feel her watching me. I look over to her as I pull my training shirt over my head. "What?"

"You haven't read them yet." She states. It's not a question. She knows.

I stare at her, mouth tight, back straight. I start for the door to the training floor.

"Why not?" She asks as she puts one hand on the door stopping me.

My shoulders slump as I meet her gaze. "Don't make me shock you before we've even gotten out there." The barb doesn't have the usual bite, I'm tired and I don't have the energy to argue with her.

She smirks at me, the metal clinging to her training outfit clanks together. "Oh Barrow, don't make me laugh."

I roll my eyes as I pull on the door handle, she doesn't stop me, just follows me out the door.

"Did you think about what I said at all?" Evangeline's voice follows me out to the sand.

I groan as I lean down wiping the sand on my sweating palms. "Why do you care so much?" I ask earnestly turning to face her.

She crosses her arms over her chest. "I don't."

I copy her stance. "Really?" I drawl sarcastically.

Her arms drop to her side and she rolls her eyes, "If you must know, Elaine cares much more than I do. She's a romantic, you see."

"Ah," I start circling her, "I see, and you don't care at all."

Evangeline copies me, circling in the opposite direction, "Nope," She responds her fingers flexing at her side. "Not even a little."

"Sure." I retort.

"I just figure you must not love him." She almost whispers. "At least not like I love Elaine. You couldn't."

I don't say anything, I just run a wave of lightening down my entire body. "You don't know anything Evangeline." I growl. She is really starting to piss me off.

"Oh," She coos, "Is someone getting mad?"

I stomp my foot and a wave of lightening races across the floor toward her. She jumps over it easily, almost lazily.

"You're going to have to do better than that, Barrow."

With that I lunge at her.


	4. Chapter 4

Four

When we are done, sweaty, broken and bleeding, sitting in the healer's office, she speaks again. "You know I didn't mean it. I know you love him." Evangeline's fat lip hindering her speech.

"I know," clasping my bloody knuckled hands in my lap, wincing as I adjust in my seat. I'm pretty sure my hip is bruised. "Seriously though, why are you so worried about it?"

She sighs resting her elbows on her knees. "I just…" She trails off. "I just remember how he was after the whole alliance thing and…" She leans back in the chair, "I don't know, I just know he must be dying inside." Her dark eyes meet mine, "I know you are."

I look down at my hands again. "I feel like I'm missing a limb or a tooth." I don't know why I tell her this but I continue, "I keep feeling the empty space and I'm not sure how to fill it."

"Then why don't you read the letters?" She asks again.

"Why are you so obsessed with them?" I retort, "Do you want to read them?" I ask rhetorically.

"No," Evangeline sneers at me, "Because I think it's stupid. I know he's miserable and I can see you're miserable and there's literally nothing stopping you two from being together. So, what is the problem?" She's almost seething, her cheeks almost bone-white as her face flushes with annoyance.

"In case you've forgotten, I killed his brother." I respond through clenched teeth.

"Oh, I remember," She says dangerously as she leans forward in her chair. "I also remember that his brother imprisoned you for months and was inches away from killing you himself."

"It's not that simple and you know that!" I growl and the lights flicker. I take a deep breath and lean back in my chair trying to control myself.

"I know it's not," Evangeline's tone is decidedly calmer than the one before, still she pushes on. "And that's why I know that if anyone can handle it, it's you." She huffs sitting back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "It's incredible to me how blatantly ignorant you can be." At my incredulous look she goes on, her voice almost a whisper, "Haven't you realized how strong you are yet? How much you can handle?" She asks the question so genuinely I think it may be a sincere question. "Everything you've endured? I'm not sure even I could get through that in one piece."

I look down at my hands still caked with her blood and mine, not able to hold her gaze. The answer is simple and it comes to me quickly. No, I haven't and I'm broken.

"Don't forget lightening girl, I was there when you were at your worst." She whispers in the cold white room. "I remember the fire you still had when you were wasting away. It's still there, it hasn't gone anywhere."

All I can think is, I'm not that girl anymore. She died in White Fire palace.


	5. Chapter 5

Five

When I leave the training arena all healed it's already dark. There are thousands of stars here, so close that the mountain tops seem to reach out and touch them. Fall settles quickly in Montfort and I pull my jacket around me tighter absently wondering if he is looking at the same stars I am.

I shake my head of the thought as I reach my home. The lights are all off as I reach the Barrow residence and it takes little concentration to turn on the outside light. No longer made of wood and stilts, this is a fine stone house with blue shutters and a red door. It's not large by any means but it's nowhere near as small as the house in the Stilts. It fits all of the Barrows comfortably and it's nice that Farley is right across the street. From here I can see the light in her room is still on.

"Hello stranger."

The voice of my father startles me as I turn to face him. I haven't spent much time at home since I've been back. "Dad, what are you doing up?"

"Ah, I couldn't sleep and I could hear Clara crying from here," He says moving from the open doorway to one of the veranda chairs. "Come, sit." He motions for me to take the chair next to him.

I do as he says and fold my hands in my lap.

"Were you fighting?" He asks nodding to the silver blood still smeared on the back of my hand.

I try and rub it on the leg of my pants, just making it worse. "Yes," I say, "But it was for fun, not for…" I trail off not knowing how to end that line of thinking. Not for war, not for death, not for my life.

"For practice," Dad offers the word and I nod. "For your ability?"

"Yes," I sigh in relief at his understanding.

"Can I see?"

I hold my hand out palm up obligingly. I let sparks dance between my fingers easily.

"Incredible," Dad breathes. "I never would have imagined this even possible." He looks up at me, a small smile on his face. "You're a miracle, Mare."

I scoff pulling my hand back into my lap. "I'm no miracle." I just bring death and destruction and pain.

Dad chuckles softly, "I would have to disagree." He sits back in his chair looking over at Farley's house. The light in her room is finally off. "You saved our family, you took us somewhere safe."

"Not all of us." I croak trying in vain to pull back the words.

Dad looks down at his lap. "I'm proud of Shade, of what he died for. I'm proud of you too, Mare. I'm so proud of who you've become."

"I've changed." I state. Not only have I noticed but my father has noticed too. I am no longer Mare Barrow of the Stilts.

"Mare, we all change. Some for the better, some for the worse. Some change with situations and some people change for other people. For the love of some people." I can feel him staring at the side of my face. I can't meet his gaze. I hear him sigh and the chair creak as he adjusts in his seat. "I know I did not leave the war the same as I entered it."

At that I look up. "You told me once," I say softly, "That you knew what it was to kill someone."

"I do." He says in a clipped tone.

"Do you… Do you still see them?" My mind swims with faces. Dead faces.

"Yes."

I nod accepting his answer, knowing what it would be before I even asked.

"Some do, the others have gone to haunt someone else, I suppose." He says gruffly almost to himself.

"How do you live with it? To know yourself and to know that you have done terrible things?" The words tumble out before I have time to stop them.

"You're going to have to find your balance. You can give into the darkness you feel or keep fighting it."

"You say that as if you're not worried about me."

"Oh, trust me, I worry about you." He chuckles watching me out of the corner of his eye. "That is just not something I worry about."

"Why not?"

Dad chuckles softly again, more sadly this time. "Because you know where that darkness takes you and you won't let it become you." He runs a hand through his thinning hair. "I saw it on Tuck."

I wince at the memory of putting Elara Merandus' body on display for all to see. If given the chance to do it all again, I don't think I would. "The only thing that helped me was a 6 month time out." I try at being playful but the joke doesn't land.

Dad scowls at me, his dark eyes raging. If I didn't know any better, I could have sworn I saw flame beneath the brown. "It was a bit more than a time out, Mare."

I bow my head at the scolding, "I'm sorry."

"That monster tried to break you, Mare." My father continues, his voice almost cracking. I feel the weight of his full gaze on me.

"I think he did." I whisper.

"No," My father's answer is quick, rough and final. "He tried. But not my girl. My daughter is a fighter, my daughter is strong. My daughter was raised in the mud of the Stilts and rose to become a hero."

"Dad…" I beg him to see that I am no hero, "I can't sleep alone, I can't have anyone or anything holding my wrists, I fall apart around silent stone." I tick them off one by one.

"There's a little girl who lives down the street," He says pointing left down the row of houses that all look similar. This block was built on the outskirts of town and mostly house refugees from Norta. People that traveled here from either Tuck or Piedmont. Most of the small children, the orphans, and families that escaped the war are here. "Every morning I take my walk and I pass her house. And every morning she runs to the door holding a stuffed purple lightning bolt. She must be no older than five or six. She knows who I am, and she certainly knows who you are. She knows what you did for her, what you did for her family. You're her hero. In her eyes, you saved her father from the war, you brought him home. You saved her future."

I look down at my hands. I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about those that were saved. The ones that I've lost or killed constantly swim in the forefront of my mind. Suddenly, I think of that little girl whose hand I held in Coros prison, the one that I told to be brave, I wish I knew her name. "What's her name?" I ask quietly, not planning on making the same mistake twice.

"Tessa." He says and I think I can hear him smile.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Again, I own nothing.

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Six

Gisa has been busy. She started selling some dresses she made out of a shop in the center of town and now she's getting requests by the hour. People love her designs. Half of our room is covered in different fabrics and colors, designs she plans to make are tacked all over the walls. She'll probably have enough for her own shop soon. At this moment I am standing in the middle of our room on a wooden crate, different shades and fabrics of purple draped over my body. Gisa stands back assessing me, one arm crossed over her chest, the elbow of her other arm in her hand as her fingers tap against her lips.

"I think the dark silk," She says and quickly makes a note of it in her notebook. She begged me to make my dress for Julian and Sara's wedding next month and now I'm slightly dreading it. It'll be the first time I see Norta in months. The first time I'll see Cal. "Are you even listening to me?" Gisa snaps.

"Dark silk. Got it." I reply letting my sister pull me from my thoughts.

Gisa rolls her eyes, "I said, I'm going to make it a high collar and a low back dress." The wedding is a formal event, with Julian being a diplomat appearances must still be made. The changing of a government doesn't change all traditions.

"How high of a collar?" I ask wrinkling my nose, already annoyed at the prospect, thinking of the stiff high collar on the Scarlett Guard uniform.

"High enough to cover that." She points to the M branded into my collar bone just barely visible above the collar of my t-shirt. "I don't know why you keep it."

I feel the edges of it with the tips of my fingers through the folds of the fabric draped over my shoulder. "It's a reminder." I say absently.

"Of _him_?" She asks incredulously.

"No," I say quickly to ease her, "Not really." _M is for monster._ "It's to remind me that monsters exist." _M for Maven. M for Mare._

Gisa furrows her brow and I can almost see the gears turning as she thinks. "Do you think you need a physical representation of that now?"

 _Probably not,_ I think but the thought of the brand being erased fills me with a strange sense of fear. Another voice flits through my panic, _somethings don't need to be held on to._ I hear his voice as if he was in the room with us.

Gisa sits on the corner of her bed, her hands folded in her lap. She watches me with what I can only imagine is pity and, strangely, pride. "I wish," She starts, cutting herself off. "I can't imagine what it was like." She meets my gaze with a fire and confidence Lady Blonos would be proud of. "I can't imagine what you went through. Fighting, being captured." She looks down at her hands, "Sometimes I wonder how you made it back in one piece at all." She looks back up at me, a slight smile tugging on the corners of her lips. "But you're Mare Barrow. You've always been this person, this warrior."

"Gee…" I start to stop her, she's wrong. But she holds up a hand as she stands, the looks she gives almost knocks me back.

"No," Gisa stops me, her tone almost scolding. "Think about it. Who stole batteries from the security outpost for Dad? Who took in Kilorn and watched out for him? Who kept our family fed and safe?" Her hand takes one of mine in hers gently. "You have always been strong, you have always been fast and smart, and you have always and will always be my sister." She takes my other hand and her grip tightens. "I need you to remember that and I want you to know that we are all so proud of you."

I don't know when she got so wise, when everyone around me got so wise for that matter. I nod, unable to meet her gaze. Maybe one day I'll believe as she does.

"Now," She says sniffling a little, "I'm going to make this dress so freaking breathtaking that Cal won't be able to look away from you."

 _I think you'll be distracting no matter what you wear,_ the memory of his voice sends a flush up my face. I feel my cheeks burn red. "I honestly don't think it matters." I mutter.

"Oh," Gisa's eyes go wide, "It matters. I'm going to make him want to get on his hands and knees to beg you to come back to him."

I stare at her for a second debating on if I want another person to know about his letters. To have another person berate me for not reading them. "He's written me letters." I say meekly.

"How many?" Gisa asks.

"Five."

Gisa whistles through her teeth. "I take it you haven't read any of them." I just shrug in answer. "Why not? I know you miss him."

I miss him like the air I breathe, like the sparks and electricity pulsing under my skin. I miss him as if I am missing a part of my soul. Missing him is an understatement and the word just doesn't cover the depth of what I feel. "I do." I croak, barely a whisper.

"And you're afraid you'll miss him more if you read them." It's not a question, she knows.

My shoulders slump and I nod in relief that there's someone who understands.

"Well, that's stupid."

That was short lived. "What?" I ask, pulling swatches of fabric off of me.

"Sorry, but it is." Gisa says taking the fabric from my hands. "If you love him, truly love him, nothing will stop you from missing him. It won't decrease or increase, it just is what it is." I know she's talking of Shade. She catches my eye, "I told Farley the same thing. It doesn't go away it just erodes like a river against rock. It slowly ebbs until it is a feeling that is so familiar you don't notice the longing anymore." She folds the fabrics and puts them away in a box at the base of her bed. "Farley doesn't have a choice, she will miss Shade until her dying breath, as will we. But you," She says turning to me, "You have a chance to be with the one you love. Someone that threw away an entire kingdom at just the chance with you."

I sink down on to my own bed. "That wasn't why he did it Gee." I tell her for maybe the thousandth time since leaving Norta.

Gisa rolls her eyes, "Please. If you weren't the first reason, you were probably a close second." She sits down again and looks at me, "You weren't there when we were at the Lakeland base. You didn't see him."

I realize now, I had never asked. I never wanted to know what pain he went through when I was captured. I'm not sure I want to know now. Again, I'm ignorant.

"If mom or I didn't bring him food, he didn't eat." She continues. "Brie and Trammy weren't too keen on him, but they got over it soon enough. If Brie and Trammy were busy, he would tell mom and dad about news of you, if there was any. I think Cal just wanted someone he knew that loved you as much as him to listen to his concerns, his fears." Gisa wrings her hands together. "He was so afraid we'd never get you back."

"I don't know how to fix myself." I whisper.

"You are not broken." Gisa enunciates every syllable. I'm hoping that she's right.

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Hey there! Please let me know what you think, leave me a review!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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Seven

The wedding is in a week and we leave for Norta – The Nortan Republic – tomorrow. Gisa has already packed my bags and they wait for me at the foot of my bed. There is a bridal luncheon the day after tomorrow, a tour of the city the next day, a state dinner the day after that, and then finally the wedding after that. Then we come home.

 _Home._ I'm not even sure where that is any more or what the definition truly is. Is it where you're loved ones are? If it is, mine are strewn across miles, achingly long miles. How can I choose one happiness over the other when my heart lives in two different places?

Cal's letters are stacked on my bedside table. Unread. Two more were added a week ago during Julian's last visit before his big day. I have 7 unread letters. I lay on my side above the covers on my bed examining the papers. I can see a small char on the corner of one of the papers. It's from the first set. I finger it gently trying not to break the paper.

She finds me in my room switching the lights on and off with my breathing. Evangeline had gone back to the Rift last week to help her brother settle things with their home, leaving me alone without a sparring partner, and strangely, inexplicably, I'm bored without her. I also have an abundance of energy.

I hear a voice as I plunge the room back into darkness. "Having fun are we?" I blink the lights back on to see Farley leaning on the frame of the open doorway. She has let her hair grow out, now barely touching her shoulders. It shines like a halo from the hallway light behind her. She has papers clutched in her hands.

I sit up on the bed pulling my knees up to my chin, "Whatcha got there?" I ask trying to sound casual. It doesn't work.

She crosses the room easily and sits down next to me on the bed. "Ah, well, one is your itinerary from Tahir," she hands the paper to me rolling her eyes. "Tahir thinks it's important you have it at least."

I raise an eyebrow at her taking the paper, "Okay? Not like we didn't go over it yesterday."

Farley shrugs and looks down at her hands at the folded piece of paper left.

It's addressed to her. I would know that handwriting from a mile away and I can't stop my heart from skipping.

"I…," She starts slowly, carefully. "I got a letter." She glances at my bedside table at the stack of the others. "I see you've received yours." At my silence she continues. "I also received a letter," She repeats waving the card a bit, "A letter with instructions." At that she catches my gaze. He ice blue eyes fill with sadness and guilt. And worse of all, pity. I don't want her pity.

"Farley," I warn as I unfold my legs and go to take a step away from her and any instructions the ex-king may have for her.

She grabs my wrist to stop me and I don't flinch. For the first time in I don't know how long the feeling doesn't make me want to vomit. Her touch is warm and comforting. I stop cold, sitting back on the bed in shock. I stare at her hand.

She notices and loosens her grip, but doesn't release. "Is this okay?" She asks quietly, knowing exactly what my reaction, or lack thereof means.

I nod and she takes her hand away slowly, releasing one finger at a time.

"That's progress," She says smiling at me, "That's good, Mare." When I meet her gaze this time, I see something like pride shining back.

I turn toward the stack of letters on the bedside table. There is something in there he wants me to know. "What does it say?" I ask reluctantly, so quietly I barely hear myself.

Farley hears me, "He asked me how Clara was, how she's doing and all. He said it was nice seeing Kilorn last week." The lights up above flicker, "I take it Kilorn didn't tell you that part." She grimaces knowing the trouble she just caused for Kilorn.

"No, he did not." I say through gritted teeth. I can feel the heat rise to my face and the wine of the lights in the room get louder. I hear a buzz in my ears and I'm already regretting my decision for her to tell me in the first place. "Keep going."

"Well, he just continues to ask how different people are. How you are." She opens the letter and I catch a glimpse of his scrawling handwriting across the yellowed paper. Farley clears her throat and begins to read. _"I've written her. Several times."_ Farley looks pointedly at me over the paper. _"And she hasn't answered any of them. I don't blame her. I doubt she's even read them. I_ know _she hasn't read them. I feel as if I'm drowning. When she was captured at least we had news of her. I was still helpless but this… this is worse. It's like she's a ghost. Like she never existed. This is so much worse."_

The words are like a punch in the gut. I feel the air pushed from my lungs. I only thought of this as hurting myself, I never wanted to hurt him. Once again I have failed to think of anything from anyone else's point of view. Least of all Cal's. Evangeline was right. I am ignorant.

" _Please don't tell her that."_ Farley smirks at me and I roll my eyes. She continues, _"Who am I kidding? You'll probably read her the whole thing."_

That gets a smile out of me and I feel a strange empty pulling in my chest. _Longing. I miss him._

" _Can you please tell her a few things for me?"_ Farley continues reading. _"Tell her that I love her. That I miss her. That I'm doing well. And most importantly, I'm still waiting. I'm always waiting. Cal."_ She folds the letter back up and hands it to me.

"Did you write back?" I ask, taking the paper in my hand. It's rigid and warm, probably from Farley's own natural heat. But for a moment I can pretend it's still from him.

"I did." Farley answers bluntly, "I told him everyone was fine, Clara is beautiful and you are a mess. That you miss him probably just as much, if not more than he misses you. That you walk around aimlessly all day trying to figure yourself out. That you are miserable."

"Diana!" I growl, using her first name. "What would you say that?" I want to stomp my foot.

"Is it a lie?!" She barks back, at my cowed silence she continues, "I told you once that I would do unspeakable things to get Shade back. Torturous things. You act as if Call died with Maven. I can assure you the older Calore is very much alive."

"I know that-" I ground out between clenched teeth but Farley cuts me off with a wave.

"And he's very much in pain." She keeps going as if I hadn't stopped her. "You know I could give a shit about Cal's happiness but why you put yourself through this torture, I will never understand. He has far more restraint than I do. I would have chased Shade all around the world."

"I killed his brother," I repeat feebly for what feels like the hundredth time.

Farley clicks her tongue in a scoff. "Do you honestly think that he'd write so many letters? Or that he would send me to tell you that he loves you just so you'd know?" She leans back on her palms, stretching her legs out in front of her. "Come on, you're smarter than that, Mare."

I know she's right. I've been telling myself that I'm awful, that I'm a monster, that I deserve this pain and torment for so long it's hard not to believe it. Have I not done horrible things? But it must not be true. At least not all of it. Can it? To have enemies pushing me to be happy? My family, who lost a son, a brother, a father, because of me, still trying to help me and love me, is that not proof that I am good? Or at least redeemable?

As if reading my thoughts Farley leans in and touches my shoulder with hers. Her voice is soft and gentle, "I don't think you are a monster. I never did." She nudges me again, forcing me to look at her. "Not ever." She enunciates the words making sure I hear the ones she doesn't speak.

I know what she's really saying. _Not even after Shade._

She sighs when I don't say anything, getting up from the bed, she wipes her palms on the thighs of her pants. She takes deliberate strides towards the door and stops short before entering the hallway. "Promise me you'll at least try to read them before we leave?" She asks looking over her shoulder at me.

I meet her gaze and nod once. For her, I will try.

* * *

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	8. Chapter 8

Eight

I didn't read them last night. I held them in my hands and felt the weight of them. The same thick, heavy, stiff paper. They still smell like smoke, like him. Seven heavy, loaded letters.

I am strapped in a seat on the black run, the sun barely rising over the mountain tops in the distance. Davidson is here, sitting at the small dining table with Carmadon. Farley is securing her luggage into the overhead, we both have two bags with us, more luggage than we've ever had in our lives. Kilorn is currently locking himself into a seat across from me. There are a few other politicians that I do not know, or haven't cared to be introduced to, that are traveling separately.

Kilorn got a glare from me first thing this morning as he arrived to the airfield. He saw the letters in my hand and grimaced. He knows what they are and who they are from. He mouthed 'sorry' as he climbed in the jet after me. I nodded at him, I have no energy any longer to be angry. I have no more rage left in me.

The engine roars to life and I feel it in my bones. It hums and sings into my muscles and it feels absolutely delicious.

Kilorn's voice pulls me out of my thoughts, "So you're not even going to ask about him?" He scoffs, "Three months and nothing?" _Ninety days of torture._

I look at him, eyebrow raised, daring him to continue. I didn't ask him after he got back from his trip and I don't plan on asking now.

Bullheaded as he is, Kilorn doesn't take the hint. "He's in charge of training new blood and silver children. They started an academy for the kids to learn and control their abilities as well as learn school stuff alongside Silver kids. Julian is working on updating the curriculum for all schools."

Farley takes a seat next to me, clicking her straps together in practiced ease. "Starting to get some real education out in the villages and red cities. It's a long term plan and it worked wonders in Montfort. The more knowledge they have the better."

"Cameron and her father started the Tech Union. Their making sure everyone gets paid and treated fairly. Also making sure the factories are up to date and safe." Kilorn adds, this I knew of course. "They are starting city elections for the…" He trails off looking at Farley, "What did he call it?"

Farley rolls her eyes, "City counsels. Each town and village is to elect who they think would best represent their values and needs at a monthly counsel meeting. Those of larger cities will have multiple counsels, one for each sector of the city."

"It's very similar to what we have in Montfort." Davidson interjects, "There were just a few tweaks. All minor to fit Norta."

"That's it?" I ask knowing there must be something they're not telling me. These are all things I've heard in update meetings. "There are no riots, no rebellions?"

"Oh, there are riots." Farley answers, "High houses have up and disappeared. Probably over in the Lakelands. I'm sure Cenra or Iris offered them amnesty for coming to their side."

I close my eyes imagining the unrest, the battle still raging in my country. A country I abandoned.

"But," Farley's voice forces me to open my eyes again. "Things are getting better. There are fewer riots every week. Things are settling and we expected this. We had plans in place for this. We implemented a police force of sorts, mostly guardsmen and some Nortan soldiers that volunteered, about a week after you had left. They are doing all they can to end riots as peacefully as possible."

"As peacefully as possible." I repeat grumbling, not believing it.

"There were only five fatalities and those were all in the first week while you were still there." She retorts. She knows I know this.

The engine roars again as we begin to travel down a smooth landing strip before slowly tipping into the sky. _No going back now,_ I think to myself.

"Everything is going to plan, Mare. It's going to be okay." Farley pats my leg trying to reassure me.

Somehow that doesn't soothe me. I'm still a bundle of nerves and I can't seem to keep my heart beating at a steady rhythm. I keep thinking of bronze eyes, black hair and the smell of burning wood. I can't stop my heart from racing.

Kilorn leans his head back crossing his arms over his chest, settling in for the long flight, trying to catch up on the early morning sleep he was robbed of. Davidson and his husband start talking quietly amongst themselves, their fingers twisting together. I watch them with unabashed envy. I have been for weeks. Silver and Red together, in love. I start to wonder if it's possible again. If Cal and I are possible. This thought comes to me often, usually as I lie down to sleep. Davidson has been traveling the world trying to save it, going into battle, risking his life and all the while Carmadon waited for him at home for the better half of a year. In their home. Could Cal and I do the same? Would he sit back in Norta and wait for me to come home? Dead or alive? If my life were on the line, somehow I don't think Cal would stay behind.

Farley notices me staring and taps me on the leg to get my attention. "Did you try?" She asks gesturing to the bundle in my lap. I nod slowly. "And?" She pushes and I shake my head.

She looks disappointed, sighing and pursing her lips. She follows Kilorn's lead and crosses her arms trying to sleep. She doesn't even try to argue.

When her breathing evens out and the jet is quiet, I am brave enough to take the first letter out of its binding.

I hold it in my hands gently as if it might disintegrate in my hands and turn to ash. Mare is written on the front of the fold. I run my fingers over it feeling the letters. The longing that comes over me is incredible, to know that I am so close and still so far away is almost painful. _If anyone can do it, it's the lightening girl,_ Evangeline's voice floats through my memories. I take a deep breath steading myself before I open the letter.

" _I am heavy with guilt. I could not do what needed to be done and put that weight on your shoulders. I miss him. It feels as if he has been dead for years and I was just told. I feel as if there was a monster parading around with my brother's face. I'm not angry with you nor do I blame you. I don't even see how I could. I'm so sorry I placed this incredible burden on you. Please forgive me._

 _Kilorn and I found you after. I thought my heart had stopped in my chest. You were covered in both bloods and so pale. I have never seen you that pale. In my nightmares, I find you again only I'm too late._

 _I want you more than anything in this world._

 _I love you, I miss you. Come back to me._

 _Always waiting,_

 _Cal"_

I have never blamed him for the choices I have made. And never for that one. There is nothing to forgive. I also never asked who found me. How I got to that bedroom, who had gotten Sara. Somehow I knew it was him and I didn't want to see the pain on his face when he told me.

Greedily needing more of him I rip open the second letter. This one has the burned singe on the edge. He's angry in this one. He's frustrated with the academy, with things he wants to do and are not being done quickly enough, and also trying to find his new place in society. And me.

" _I know you won't read these. This or the one before. I know it and still I write. I feel as if somehow, someway you'll hear me. I miss you and it's infuriating. I need you and that too is infuriating. I love you and that is all I have to hold on to._

 _Always waiting,_

 _Cal"_

I pick up the next one unable to stop myself now. It reads like a poem and I realize, it's a love letter. I've never even read one before but it brings a blush to my cheeks and I know this letter contains his heart. His broken heart.

" _It's in the dark, in the pitch black that I see your face the most. In the quiet hours before dawn I forget and I can still feel you next to me. It's when I wake fully and open my eyes does the emptiness settle in. I miss you like the sun misses the moon. How I wish I could burn as brightly as that sun to take you out of the dark."_

It's filled with longing and passion and a lonely sadness only I can relate to. I feel the same.

" _I will wait for you. I promise you that. No matter how long it may be. You are my match, my thief, my only, my spark, my very beating heart._

 _Always waiting,_

 _Cal"_

I'm startled back into reality as Farley sniffs in the seat next to me. I snap my head in her direction to see she's not sleeping at all. She picked up on one of Shade's favorite tricks. "Seriously?" I ask incredulously. She read the whole thing, I can see it on her face.

She wipes gingerly at her watering eyes, "It's a long flight and you are the only one with reading material. And that," She says jabbing a finger toward the letter, "was absolutely lovely." She crosses her arms over her chest, closing her eyes again. "I will not apologize for reading anything that beautiful."

I shove the letters into my bag, glaring at her. I see Kilorn smirking from his seat, eyes still closed.

"Didn't know he had it in him." She mutters leaning her head back.

I don't read the rest on the plane.

* * *

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	9. Chapter 9

Nine

The tires of the jets landing gear hit pavement and I'm startled awake. I'm not sure when I even fell asleep. I rub at the last earring in my ear. Kilorn sees me do it. It has been ninety days, three long full months since I have set foot in this country. Since I have smelled its air. Since I have heard _his_ voice. When I look around the jet, Kilorn is still watching me.

"You ready?" He asks and it's a hundred different questions at once.

 _No. I am not,_ I think but I nod my head anyway.

He raises an eyebrow, clearly not believing me. "A lot of people know who you are." It's not a question or a warning, it's a statement.

 _Yes, they do,_ I almost groan to myself _._ At the few meetings that I did attend in Montfort they reported on the progress of Norta and have mentioned several times that I have attained a sort of fame. Not all of it good. There are still rumors and gossips swirling around about me and Cal, me and Maven, and also me, Cal and Maven. If the looks that I get in Montfort are any indication, it'll be ten times worse here. I hang my head slightly, dreading it. "Yes, I know."

Farley speaks gently at my side, "We can radio for Cameron, if you…" She trails off. If I can't control myself? If this is too hard? Too much, too soon? Farley has only called for Cameron once while we were in Montfort. A blazing panic attack over took me and I will not experience that again. I will not. Cameron tried to be gentle but it just made it worse and I shocked her in my fear and panic. She never let me apologize for it even though I tried to several times.

I take measured breaths, "No." My voice is stern and full of strength. Strength I no longer feel. "I'm ready." I am still a liar and Kilorn knows it. He eyes me warily as the plane pulls to a stop. I feel the jet power down like its dying. The electricity leaching from the walls.

I start unlatching my buckles too fast if only to hide the fact that my hands are shaking. I'm trying desperately to even out my breathing but I have no idea what is on the other side of that door. I hear and feel the hiss and pull of the ramp door at the back of the jet opening.

The sun is shining overly bright in the early autumn sky. It's midafternoon and the sun is high in the sky casting blinding reflections off the other jets on the runway. I spot the Samos jet idling nearby. Evangeline must have arrived this morning.

There is a line of soldiers waiting for us as we exit the jet, they salute as we descend the ramp. The colors of their uniforms vary from scarlet, mountain green and finally a new burgundy color. An even mixture of red and silver. They escort us to our own transports, four black hulking bodies idling not too far from the jet.

My own guards are young, I notice as they guide me to the last transport on the runway. Gisa's age if not older by a year or so. One of them is red and one of them is silver. I can't stop myself from asking questions, "Are you newblood?" I ask with no preamble. I have no energy to be polite, and I don't need to. Not with the young soldiers, not here.

"N-no m-ma'am-Miss." The red boy stutters. Either I make him nervous or he wasn't expecting me to speak. Or both.

I turn to the silver, "What is your ability?"

The silver soldier is calmer and able to keep his voice still. "Telkie, Miss."

The red soldier takes my luggage from me with the practice ease of a servant. The silver opens my door and bows his head. He offers a hand to help me in the transport as if I were a lady. I don't take it. I am no lady and I don't need his help.

Both soldiers get into the front seat. The silver is in the driver seat and explaining different switches and gadgets on the dashboard to the red. The silver is so calm and patient with the red soldier. It reminds me suddenly of Cal with the children at the Notch. I feel the lonely pull in my chest yank. "How long to the palace?" It's an hour from Fort Patriot in traffic, I know this. I ask all the same, if not just to have some noise and a distraction from the thoughts in my head.

"About an hour, my-," The red soldier catches himself, "Miss Barrow."

"How long have you been a driver?" I turn my attention to the silver soldier, watching him in the review mirror.

"Three years ma'am," He says with no hesitation, his eyes not leaving the road as he pulls us off the landing strip. "I'm currently training other officers to do so.

"Were you in the army before?" I ask blatantly, my gaze never wavers. I know not all silvers are the same, just as no red is the same.

"No miss," His gaze flickers to mine briefly in the mirror. "I was a driver for House Iral."

"The Panther." I offer. I remember her from court when I was Mareena, and also from her death at Coros prison. The same needle that killed her killed Shade.

He nods curtly, "Yes ma'am."

"And how do you feel about the changes going on in the country?"

To his credit, he doesn't react to my question and answers quickly. "Relieved, ma'am." He glances over at his comrade next to him. "I have friends that are red." That is answer enough and he doesn't elaborate. I can see a pink blush rising on the back of the red soldiers' neck.

The red boy turns in his seat to look at me, his cheeks a flaming reminder of his blood. "I'm free ma'am," He says quietly, "Thank you."

I shake my head and sit back in my seat. "Don't thank me kid." Thank you for your service rings dully in my head and I want to vomit.

The red soldiers shoulders slump, a frown forming on his lips in disappointment and he turns back around. I'm not sure who he expected to meet today but I am certainly not living up to the expectation.

I pull my bag onto my lap, finally alone from prying eyes and I pull the fourth letter out. It's not nearly as eloquent as the last letter and neither is the next one. They are filled with ideas and annoyances of everyday life. His grandmother buzzing around him trying to run his household, loosing Julian to research and libraries. And me. Always me. But he always ends them the same.

" _I miss you, I love you._

 _Always waiting,_

 _Cal"_

As I finish the fifth letter we pull up to Ocean Hill. The palace is still as beautiful as I remember. It's Cal's family home and he got to keep it, just as Evangeline and Ptolemus kept Rift House.

Of course, Cal has to share. Julian and Annabel have taken up residence here with their own apartments and any dignitaries that visit are also offered lodging in the palace. Through the front window of the transport I can see the others have arrived and are currently spilling out from their own transports. When we roll to a stop I let myself out while the soldiers rush to grab the rest of my bags.

They weave us through the palace to the residence hall. Ocean Hill has been cleaned, no more dust is coating the surfaces and the floors shine in the afternoon sun as if they've recently been polished. I spot servants darting across the hallways here and there, not in fear and hard determination, but in excitement. I hear them giggle as their whispers of _"They're here! The lightening girl! The general! Scarlet Guard! That's Mare Barrow!"_ bounce against the marble walls and down the hall.

The different escorting soldiers break off to different doors with their perspective charges. Farley is across the hall from me, in the same rooms we were in the last time we stayed in Ocean Hill. I have the same room, the room farthest from Cal's.

My soldiers are silent as they open the room to the salon and move to let me through. It has been redecorated, no longer ornate and in different shades of green and jade. The garish ivy printed wallpaper has been removed and the walls are smooth, light cream color. The floors are thin lacquered planks of dark oak. The furniture is simple, a purple velvet stuffed couch and a few overstuffed grey armchairs surrounding a small table in the middle. There is a small television across the room from a beautifully carved fireplace, I'm sure the TV is used just for broadcasts. The door to the bedroom has been opened and I can see from here it has been decorated to match the salon, the windows are open and I can see the white sheer curtains blowing in the ocean breeze. I love it.

The red soldier clears his throat as the silver places my bags near the door. "Dinner will be served at seven in the small dining room." He says, almost bowing, but then catches himself and salutes.

"Is he here?" I ask quickly as they turn to leave, not bothering to clarify who I mean. I immediately regret it. They know who I'm asking about.

They exchange a glance between each other. I've probably just fueled whatever rumors are circulating the palace. "He's flying in from Archeon now, Miss." The silver answers after a beat. "Mr. Jacos is with him."

I nod in silent dismissal and they close the door behind them. I grab my bags and haul them in to the bedroom. The fluffy duvet on the bed is the same shade of deep purple as the couch in the salon. Royal purple, not quite Titanos purple. This is darker. I busy myself with unpacking the clothes Gisa forced me to bring. Archeon is only an hour away by jet, he'll be here any minute. I shake my head trying to rid my thoughts of a certain burner, but my heart is hammering against my chest at just the thought of seeing him. Will he come find me once he lands? Will he wait for me to come to him? As he did in his room? On the bridge? He will let me make the choice, I know it. But will I?

I pull the letters out of my smaller bag and Tahir's itinerary comes with them, floating to the center of the bed. I pick up the schedule and scan it. Farley did say he changed something.

 **October 10** **th**

 **0500 Depart Montfort**

 **1300 Land at Fort Patriot**

 **1400 Arrive at Ocean Hill**

 **1900 Dinner**

 **October 11** **th**

 **0800 Breakfast**

 **1100 Bridal Luncheon**

 **1400 Tour of Ocean Hill / New town and surrounding areas**

 **1800 Arrive at Ocean Hill**

 **1900 Dinner**

 **October 12** **th**

 **0600 Breakfast**

 **0800 Depart Ocean Hill**

 **0900 Depart at Fort Patriot**

 **1000 Arrive in Archeon**

 **1100 Tour Archeon and surrounding areas**

 **1400 Depart Archeon**

 **1500 Arrive at Fort Patriot**

 **1600 Arrive at Ocean Hill**

 **1800 State Dinner** _ ***Dress nice, formal affair***_

 **October 13** **th**

 **0800 Breakfast**

 **1200 Lunch**

 **1700 Wedding procession**

 **1800 Wedding Dinner** _ ***Also formal, dress nice***_

 **October 14** **th**

 **0800 Breakfast**

 **0900 Depart Ocean Hill**

 **1000 Depart Fort Patriot**

The one change made, the one I adamantly said I did not want to do, was go to Archeon. When I spoke with Tahir last week, I had refused to go. Threatened to light him up like a chandelier if he made me. This is Davidson or Farley. More than likely, Farley. I'll have to bring this up to her later. I still don't want to go.

In one of Cal's letters they said they cleared out the palace. Sold what was not needed and kept what was sentimental. No one but the children from the academy live there now.

Maven is buried in Archeon.

* * *

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	10. Chapter 10

Ten

I open the door far too quickly when I hear a single knock. Evangeline stands on the other side, one hand suspended as if she were going to knock again.

Gracefully she relaxes her arm back down to her side. "Eagar for dinner I see." She's not trying very hard to hide her smirk. She wears skintight leather leggings, a low cut top and a white blazer. Her boots reach her knees and I can hear the metal on the heels as she moves back to let me pass by her.

"Are you my escort for tonight?" I ask dryly stepping out into the hall, pulling the door closed behind me.

She shrugs, "For old time sake." We fall into step down the hallway and Evangeline is not silent long. "So did you read them?"

I roll my eyes with a slight smile, "You just don't give up. Do you?" I almost bark a laugh at the dangerous look she gives me. "Fine, yes, I read some of them."

"Finally!" She throws her hands up in relief, scaring a poor servant dusting an old painting of a Calore ancestor I don't know the name of. He looks like Cal and I don't linger on his face.

We make our way down to the dining hall, and I notice some of the ornate gilded decorations are gone. In their place are sleek lines, smooth walls and paintings I recognize from other palaces I have been. There are soldiers in burgundy uniforms standing guard at the large wood doors of the dining room, they open them without a word as we approach.

The small dining room is nowhere near as ornate as the grand ballroom. A large table big enough to fit the eleven places set, a roaring fireplace at one end of the room and a small sitting area with a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf on the other wall. A thin metal ladder with wheels on the bottom leans against the shelf. The chairs flanking the bookshelf are overstuffed and golden yellow. Annabel has sunken herself down in one. With cream pants and black blouse she sips demurely on her wine glass. I'm sure it's not her first of the night. She looks positively miserable and I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.

Julian and Sara are here as well, his arm wrapped around her shoulders as Sara talks to a woman, I don't recognize, as they crowd around the fire. Davidson and Carmadon hold hands as they listen to Sara and the woman. Farley and Kilorn are already seated across from each other at the table helping themselves to glasses of rich red wine.

Julian sees Evangeline and me upon our quiet entrance in to the room and makes his way to us. "Mare," He whispers warmly in greeting as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. I hug my old tutor back, he always smells of warm paper. He lets me go and I hug Sara as well. "Let's sit everyone," he says looking around the room, "I'm sure you're all hungry, and Cal will be joining us shortly."

My heart leaps at his name and I try to keep my blush hidden as we all crowd around the table. Annabel takes one head of the table, looking sour, and Julian takes the other, Sara to his right. I take a seat next to Farley, and Evangeline takes the seat to the left of Annabel, conspicuously leaving the seat in between us empty.

I glare over the empty chair at her knowing full well what she's doing.

She doesn't meet my gaze and shrugs speaking into her own wine glass, "It worked once."

The first course arrives carried in by a trio of servants, to my surprise one of them is silver. They take the plates of cheese and fruits and salads tossed in oils and place them down at each setting. The food is not like it was before I left, with plain tastes and smaller portions. This is back to the days when food was plentiful and rich in the palace. Julian sees me notice, "There are food trucks that deliver all over the country now, poorer villages that do not have the means to bounce back so easily are given substantial rations to help get them by until they are able to work. Mostly the young, who just got out of the army, and the old who cannot work."

Kilorn answers my un-asked question. "One month is worth three of what we used to get." That is substantial.

Julian smiles at me, "There will be no children with hungry bellies if I have anything to do about it." I hear the words he doesn't say, _red or silver._

The woman I don't know, sits across from me. Her name is Natasa and I've never seen her before in my life. Kilorn introduces me, she's from our town and was conscripted with Trammy. Her skin is dark gold like mine, the red undertones coming through. Her hair curls naturally around her shoulders, it is dark from root to end. Her ends don't gray like mine, or she dyed them. She's beautiful, her eyes green like Kilorn's, lips full like Cameron's. She's quiet, not talking unless spoken too, she sits up when the door to the dining room opens and she straightens her spine, causing her full chest to stick out even further. I've never been concerned with the swell of my chest, but in comparison I look like a child.

The door is to my back and I hear the large wooden doors creak as they open. "Thank you." The voice coming from the door rumbles deep inside of me, like a summer storm threatening to break. He's wearing a watch and I can feel the ticks stand still for a moment as his steps falter. I know he can see the scars of lightening on my back and I feel his gaze scratch down them. The ticks come closer, "Good evening everyone." He says with practiced grace. "Kilorn, good to see you so soon."

I feel Kilorn's eyes tick to my face but I don't look up. "You too, Cal. You'll have to tell me if I won that bet." By the look in Kilorn's face and his eyebrows wagging, I don't want to know what the bet was about.

Cal chuckles dryly, by his tone I don't have to look to see the tips of his ears have gone bone white. "Later, much later." He responds as walks down my side of the table toward the empty chair next to me. He claps a hand on Farley's shoulder as he passes her. "General."

"Cal." She responds around the piece of melon rolling around in her mouth. I can see Annabel grimace out of the corner of my eye.

"Evangeline," Cal says as he sinks into his seat.

"Calore." She greets, bowing her head slightly out of habit. I can feel the fork in my hand curve of its own volition around my hand and I know Evangeline's trying to nudge me to look up.

I know if I do, I'm ruined. I can hear the blood pounding in my ears, feel the electricity of the room pump in my veins. I have to keep myself under control.

"Mare." He says my name like a prayer and a curse. I'm not sure which one I want it to be. I can feel the other guests trying their hardest not to look at us.

"Cal." My voice catches and I immediately regret speaking at all. Still I don't look up. I try to stab at some lettuce with my fork and the tines twist, useless. I sigh putting my fork down, I catch a glimpse of Evangeline and run a spark down my finger, a warning and she knows it.

I hear her sigh, probably rolling her eyes, but she untwists the fork all the same. The rest of the table has resumed their chatter, thankfully taking their eyes off me and the former king.

"How have you been?" He says softly as to not call attention to all of the onlookers, I almost don't hear him. He smells like smoke and wood char. He doesn't look up, staring holes in the salad in front of him.

I can barely speak, I can barely breath. I can feel his warmth radiate up my left side and suddenly I wish I could bottle that warmth and take it with me. I shrug, "Sometimes good, sometimes bad."

"I'm glad you're here. I didn't think you'd…" He trails off and I look up at him not thinking. I don't know how but I must have forgotten how handsome he is. His hair is short, almost a military style but a bit longer, and there is light stubble on his cheeks. It takes everything in me not to run my hand along its rough surface.

"Of course I came." I whisper answering what I know he's saying. _I didn't think you'd come._

"I just didn't…," He stops himself taking a deep pained breath. "I just hoped you would, is all."

I have imagined this day a hundred times. The day that I would finally see him again, feel his fire at my side, and now that I'm here, it's all too overwhelming, it's too bright. I can feel the lights pulse, their whine constant. I try to concentrate on that feeling.

"How are things going at the academy?" Davidson says turning his attention to Natasa. This conversation is easier to listen to.

"Very well, Premier," Natasa's voice is sickly sweet. "Cal is incredible with the children and they just adore him." The look in her eyes when she turns to Cal almost breaks my concentration and the lights dim just barely. I remember how Cal was with the children in the Notch and can only imagine the children now following Cal on his heels just as they did then. I pour myself a hearty glass of wine. I can feel Farley watching me out of the corner of her eye.

"Natasa is invaluable. I'm glad she decided to work with us." Cal smiles at her, but the action doesn't reach his eyes. I can't watch him. I'm tempted to smash my wine glass.

"And what is it that you do?" I can hear Mareena in my question. I'm sure Cal and Evangeline don't miss it. I feel my left side burn with heat as if I'm standing too close to a flame. I take a drink of the wine feeling it scorch a trail down my insides to sit in my stomach.

"I help Julian with the curriculum mostly," She answers coolly. "I find housing nearby for the children that either do not have families or do not have places to stay nearby." I can see in her eyes, she knows exactly who I am. Her eyes tick to Cal's quickly before landing back on mine. "It's temporary housing while they are enrolled in the academy. Once courses are over for the season they will spend a few months with their families and then return to the capital."

"That's honorable work." I say taking another generous sip of wine. I usually don't drink alcohol but I want to drown in the numbing feeling. I'll drink the whole bottle if I have to. The wine is red and bitter, like me. "And before?"

Her back straightens more, if that's possible, and she meets my gaze with fire. "I was in the army." She says, "Some of us weren't lucky enough to escape conscription."

"Some of us weren't lucky enough to be conscripted." I growl, the words spitting out of my mouth before I can stop them. The lights flickering and sparks rise from underneath my skin on my fingers giving them a strange purple glow. For the children that died in Maven's pursuit, for the children that never saw the sun in the slums, for my brother, for all the horrors I saw during the war, I want to bash her head against the table.

The table is dead silent, waiting for her or me to make the first sound.

Natasa continues slowly, never breaking our stare. She's brave, I'll give her that. "I didn't mean any offense."

I watch her, not responding. I can feel my skin vibrating with energy.

"I studied to be a teacher before my master died and I was conscripted." She explains, "After the…," She trails off no doubt remembering the last battle that took place only months ago. "I was in Archeon and there was a job opening for a teacher's assistant, so I applied. I was lucky enough that Julian and Cal hired me. They have been just absolutely wonderful to me." She adds turning her gaze to Julian and then lingering a bit too long for my liking on Cal's face.

Julian speaks from the head of the table, watching me closely, "Natasa is very competent at her job. Her and Cal work very hard to keep all the children safe and happy. She is very professional." Cal adjusts in his seat, either he doesn't agree, or he's trying to distance himself from me. If it's the later, I don't blame him.

Dinner continues with less tension, at least from her, and the conversations begin again. Natasa continues to throw smiles and glances from under her dark long eyelashes in Cal's direction. If he notices he doesn't react, whether because I'm here, or he's just not interested. Every look seems to boil my blood and I can't fight the hope that blooms in my chest that he might just not interested in her.

I honestly can't see how though. She's enviously beautiful, and kind, and smart and tall. Much taller than I am, her and Farley must be close to the same height. I want to smash her face against the table and break her perfectly upturned nose.

Towards the last course my restraint is falling fast. I'm on my fourth glass of wine and who am I kidding, I have no restraint left. When Natasa recalls a story about Cal giving her a ride home on his cycle I just about lose my mind. A couple of the bulbs in the chandelier above me pop and Farley grips my arm tight under the table. She doesn't hesitate, she's not afraid of me hurting her. I never would.

How stupid was I? Thinking he'd wait for me? That there was no one to fill the void I left. His letters must have been from weeks ago. I down the last of my glass as she finishes her story and I refill it quickly.

I can feel his fiery gaze on me. Watching me. I want to slap him.

"Cal's a wonderful driver." Natasa purrs, her chin in her hand as she moons at Cal.

"Yes," I sneer, forgetting all of my court lessons and myself a bit in the process. I can feel the alcohol churning in my stomach, mixing up a storm of its own. The electricity of the room sitting on my chest like a fat toad begging to be loosed. I gulp down my glass, Stilts style, and imaging watching Natasa's limbs twist and seize with electricity. I pour the rest of the wine bottle into my glass and take a large sip off the top. I don't care how it looks, I just want to hurt him. "Maybe he'll teach you how to dance before the wedding." I chance a glance at the fire king. I can see flame in his bronze eyes. _Good._ "If he hasn't already."

"Mare." Farley warns quietly next to me. She knows the story. The real story.

I pick up my glass and stand on wobbly knees. "Julian, Sara, thank you for the lovely meal." I say using the last strand of civility I have to remain somewhat polite. It's not their fault I'm a mess. It's mine.

I leave the dining room without a second glance. A full wine glass firmly in my hand.


	11. Chapter 11

Eleven

I'm not sure how I got back to my room. The halls were winding and too bright, I shattered the bulbs out of more than a few sconces. My room is too stuffy, someone must have come in to close the windows against the autumn chill while I was at dinner, and I struggle too long to admit opening one of them. I slump down the wall to sit under the window sill on the floor, legs splayed out before me, the room beginning to spin. I down the last of my glass, hoping it will ease the breaking, burning feeling in my chest. It doesn't, I still feel everything.

I received ten minutes of blissful silence before he burst into the room like a man on fire. I guess, in a way, he is. His heat ripples across the room as if I opened an oven. Again I wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it with me, I fight the urge to close my eyes and bask in it. Instead I glare at him from my haphazard seat on the floor.

"What is wrong with you?" He growls, his hands on his hips. He's angry. Good. I'm angry too.

I almost laugh out loud at him, "Too many things." I mutter under my breath, pulling my legs under me in a hurry to stand. I wobble a bit, the room tilting to the right. "And I could ask you the same thing. Why'd you bring your girlfriend to dinner? Are you just trying to hurt me?" I immediately regret it. I shouldn't have said that, I'm too drunk and I can hear my words slurring.

He watches me try and right myself, an almost pained expression on his face, as if I had slapped him. I want to. He takes stock of my form, his eyes blazing from my legs to my torso and finally my face. He doesn't say anything for a long time and neither do I. I'm afraid if I move he'll disappear. I wish I had more wine.

Finally, he sits on the arm of an overstuffed chair, running a hand down his face. "Did you read them?" He sounds tired, exhausted by the prospect of the impending conversation.

"Yes," I answer defiantly. I really wish I had more wine.

"All of them?" He clarifies and I purse my lips refusing to answer. He knows me too well. He sighs deep, "Well maybe you should before you short out all the wiring. Lightbulbs aren't cheap."

I don't say anything. I'm still seething and my tongue feels too fat to make any sense. He looks thinner with dark circles under his eyes. He never wore exhaustion well. Did I do this to him? "You look tired." I know it's not what he wants to hear and it's not what I was planning to say.

"I am." He responds not elaborating. From his tone I can tell it's more than one thing. But also me. Always me.

"You didn't answer my question." My voice shakes as I speak. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could tell him that I missed him, that I love him. But my mouth won't say them out loud. The only question my broken, jaded heart wants to know is _why she is here_.

"I'm not going to."

I can feel my blood boiling, "You took her for a ride on your cycle!" It's not a question, I shout my voice climbing. If Farley's in her room, I'm sure she can hear me. I feel as if my chest is exploding and caving in with pain.

He stands and starts walking to the door, "Read them, Mare." Is all he says, his back turned to me.

I don't even remember letting the wine glass go before I see it shattering against the wall by the door. Cal stops but he doesn't turn around.

"I'm going to assume," He says slowly without turning around, "that was because you are drunk and this is…" I can see his shoulders heave a breath, "very hard-"

I don't let him finish. I will not be scolded by him. "You said you loved me." My voice sounds pitiful even to my own ears. "You promised." It sounds like I'm begging. I feel tears track down my face and I brush at them angrily. "You promised me." I say much quieter.

I can see his fists clench and unclench at his sides and he hangs his head. "This was your choice." I think I hear him say but my rage is too loud and he is too quiet. Still he will not look at me. "Mare, please, read them." He says louder. "Read them and come find me when you're ready. You know where." And then he leaves.

I want to rage, I want to burn, I want to scream and throw more glass against the wall to watch it shatter like my heart is. I want him to come back and I want more wine.

I'm not sure how long it is until Farley's at my door. The sun has long gone down and the salon is dark, I burnt out the lights not long after Cal left. The memory of him telling me the cost of lightbulbs making me want to pop them all out of spite. "Mare," I hear her voice from the other side of the door. "It's me. I'm coming in." She pushes the door open, her feet clad only in socks, legs in a soft cotton. She wraps a gray sweater tighter around her middle as she enters the room.

I haven't moved from my spot on the floor under the window, laying on my side with my cheek pressed against the cold oak floor.

"It's freezing in here." She says as she quickly leans over me to the window to shut it. She looks down at me, "I heard…" She trails off, "Are you okay?"

I shake my head trying to sit up and Farley puts out her hands to help me stand.

"Come on, little lightening girl." She says and the nickname doesn't sting. It's sweet when she says it, enduring like an older sister. "Let's get you to bed."

At the thought of sleeping alone, my face snaps to her.

She points to the bed, eyebrows raised. "I'm not going anywhere." She says. This isn't the first night that Farley has slept with me in my room. I never even asked, she just knew that without Gisa or Cal, I would need her. "Now get in there." She pulls back the blankets gesturing for me to get under them. Once I'm in bed she crawls in after me. "Do you want me to do anything for you?" She asks gently.

I nod, "Can you read to me?"

"Read to you?" Her brow scrunches in confusion. I point to the letters on the bedside table behind her. She looks over her shoulder at them and then back at me. "Are you sure?"

I smirk at her, "You already read the most private one any way. And…" I trail off gathering my courage, the wine has worn off and my head pounds. "I don't have any secrets from you." I never thought it before, but it's true all the same. Farley knows everything.

"Okay," She says and she turns reaching for the letters. "This one?" She asks holding up the letter I have not read yet. I nod and she opens the letter.

" _We hired a teacher's assistant last week. Her name is Natasa and she's from the Stilts. She knows Trammy, fought with him in the army._

 _She's nice and smart, Julian loves her. She's good at her job, great with children. She grew up with a lot of siblings so she has a bunch of practice._

 _I'm glad she's here because it is more work than I ever thought it would be. She's helpful, always attentive and ready to work._

 _And she has made it uncomfortably clear she would like to be more than co-workers. I gave her a ride home one day, and all I had was the cycle, and it was a mistake. I'm trying to be nice, but it is getting difficult._

 _I am not interested in the slightest. Whenever I look at her, I see you. I see the thief I met outside of a tavern. I see you in the way she straightens her back. I see you in everything really. She will never be you. Not even a cloud of the storm that is you. You are what I want, what I need, what I will ever need. I know she's coming to the wedding, she has already requested a dance from me. It's a month away and I am counting the days. Julian said that you will be here and I hope against everything I know, that you will. I hope so many things. Maybe I'll have Farley teach me a prayer. Because I certainly pray you come home. I miss you. I love you. I will wait until my last breath._

 _Always waiting,_

 _Cal"_

Farley reaches for the last letter and I stop her. "I'll read that one tomorrow." I tell her.

"Do you feel better?" She asks as she settles back into the blankets next to me.

I shake my head putting a hand to my mouth, the contents of my stomach roiling and looking for an exit. I race to the bathroom with Farley laughing heartily behind me.

Besides the fact that I just emptied the contents of my stomach, I do feel a bit better. I might still be drunk but hearing his words, seeing them written on paper, relieves a bit of the dread that had pooled around me like silence.

When I return back to the bedroom, Farley is already a sleep. I don't know what time it is, but it must be close to midnight, the moon high and bright like a midday sun casting a strange white glow on the world below. I pick up the last letter from the bedside table and go to sit on myside of the bed, careful not to wake Farley. I can just make out the words by moonlight.

" _I feel as if my soul is constantly ripped in half. One part remaining here with me, the other with you. I want you to know this is the last letter I will write. The wedding is two weeks away and you will be arriving here in a weeks' time. At least I hope you will. I'm giving Julian this letter today before he leaves._

 _When you get here, I won't ask you to stay. I know what the chances are if I do and I can't give myself the hope. I don't think I could bare it if you left me again and I know that I am needed here, I can't leave the children. I have purpose here and a country to help heal._

 _Three times you have walked away from me and three times I have let you. I don't know if I could do it a fourth, I don't know if I could live through it a fourth time. I'll only ask two things of you, if you feel an inch of the pain that I do, please make it stop. Come and tell me you've made a decision, that you've chosen a path and if that path includes me or not. The choice is yours, the decision in your hands. It has always been in your hands, just as my heart has. As it always will be. I'm trying to give you time and space and I feel as if I'm failing at even that simple task._

 _The second thing is simple and something that I've asked before with little victory. Choose me. Choose us. Choose to keep us together above all else. Need me like I need you._

 _Please choose me._

 _Cal"_

This one ends differently than the others. He didn't say he loved me or he missed me or that he was going to wait for me. Not like the other five, the reassuring lines are missing from this one. It makes me feel colder and emptier than I have felt in months. I must still have some liquid courage left in me because I rush from the room following the familiar path in long determined strides. A small voice keeps telling me to turn around, but it gets quieter the closer I get, my alcohol fueled rage getting louder with every step.

I don't bother knocking and I push the door open, the letter still gripped in my claw of a hand. I stride through the large salon and into the bedroom. There's candle light instead of electricity, a fire roaring in the grand hearth, it bathes the room in an orange glow. Cal sits at his desk, leaned back in his chair, heels resting on his desk, an old book in his lap. His mother's diary, I think as I notice the faded gold cover.

"I read them." I say, the words spitting from my mouth.

"Are you sober now?" He says not looking up from the book.

I can feel the buzz of the alcohol in my veins. The correct answer is no, but I'm a liar. "Yes."

Cal looks up at me not buying the lie. He turns back down to the book, not saying anything.

"I read them." I repeat, "And now I'm here."

"For what, Mare?" He asks and I almost stumble.

"What?" Why am I here? What was my plan in barging in here? I have no idea, all I know is that I needed to be near him. My body reacting faster than my brain.

"What are you here for?" He clips each word looking up at me he closes the book and stands from his chair. "Are you here to tell me you're not going to stay? Or that you need more time?" I can feel the heat rising in the room.

I don't know why I'm here. I don't know if I'll stay. My family is in Montfort but Cal… Cal is here, right in front of me and I can't seem to move any closer. "This was stupid." I mutter, my shoulders slump and I turn back to the door. Nothing is going to change. I haven't changed. How could he want me so much? All I do is hurt him.

I take a step and I hear him speak, "Four."

The rage builds up in me is hot and quick. This time is not like the others. Not even close, and he knows that.

I spin on my heel fast, "What do you want from me?" Rips out of my throat as I turn to him. "Do you want me to abandon my family? Stay here in this _palace_ with you? Stop fighting? What?!"

I see flame in his bronze eyes and the fire in the hearth grows with his anger. "I want you!" He has never risen his voice to me. Not like this. "I want you and _that is all I have ever wanted_. I want you to choose me, to be with me. I want you to tell me you love me still, that you've missed me. Fuck, I want you to fight for me like you do everyone else." He runs his hands through his hair and it sticks up on end.

I glare at him, my jaw locked. I will not break first. I can't, I know what he wants and I just can't make a decision.

He sighs, hanging his head. "This is going nowhere." He turns to his desk, moving papers around, anything to not look at me. "Don't worry, you won't be getting any more letters from me to ignore."

I can feel my rage dying in my chest, replaced with the cold longing of heartbreak that I'm used to. The bloom of an inferno quickly extinguished to a flame in a snow storm. "I read them." I repeat again as if this conversation will start over.

"I know." He says softly but he doesn't look up from the desk. "It didn't change anything, did it?"

Some, yes, others, no. "I don't know." I answer honestly.

He looks over his shoulder at me for a moment and then back at his desk. "That makes two of us."

The pounding in my head is back and I wish I could lay down.

"Have you made a decision?" He asks, hands braced, palms down on the desk.

"No," I answer sullenly. I would die for the man in front of me, so why is it so hard to be so close to him. To stay here with him and live happily ever after. Maven still sits between us. I'm sure he's laughing in his grave.

"Then why'd you come?"

"I needed to."

"Why?"

"Because I –" I stop myself, why did I need to? I wanted to see him, feel him, of course, but need? He turns to look at me and bronze eyes meet mine and the answer is so simple. I need him. I just need _him._ I thought this whole time that I could get through this, start a revolution in countries I know nothing about, get over Maven, Maven's death at my hands, get over all the horror and torment we have put each other through for the past year and a half. But I've lived a half-life without him. I know that now, but how would this work? He would stay here and I would go back to Montfort? After this week, nothing would change and he would be right, I would walk away for a fourth time. "I don't know." I bow my head trying to hide the lie with my hair. I think of Davidson and Carmadon, silver and newblood, married and in love. Carmadon waiting for Davidson to return from wars and death, I know Cal couldn't and wouldn't stay behind.

He's quiet for a while, knowing I'm lying. I know he does, he doesn't push all the same. "I'm leaving for Archeon in the morning." He says with no preamble and I fear the worst. He's trying to get as far from me as he can. "I have classes with the children in the morning." He explains, "I'll return with you and Farley after the tour of the capital." His eyes boring into mine, _this is not goodbye and this is not over._

I nod sullenly, "Okay." He turns back to his work, twisting his fire maker bracelets around his wrist. When he doesn't look back up, I leave the room quietly. I close the door behind me and whisper to the empty hallway and the moon, "I love you Cal."


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer - I own nothing.

* * *

Twelve

I dream of the ocean that night. A storm brewing on the horizon as the water churns and pulls at me. I'm drowning, I realize. I turn and kick in the water and try to reach the surface before I see him. He's in his shining red armor sinking like a stone of ruby. Panic surges as I reach for him, but he's just too far, just out of my grasp and sinking fast. I wish dimly for Evangeline's ability so I could pull him to me with ease. I swim and push but he just sinks farther and farther away from me. Sunlight winks off his metal plating as he sinks into darkness, small as the earring he gave me months ago.

"No!" I scream under water, sitting straight up in a feather down bed. It takes me more than a moment to remember where I am. The plain white walls are bright with the reflective light of the sun outside. Someone came in to open the windows this morning, the sheer curtains blowing lazily in the cool ocean breeze. I look next to me remembering Farley fast asleep. She's already gone, the spot where she slept still warm. There's a note on her pillow in her hasty looping script.

 _Early meeting, see you at Luncheon. Breakfast in salon._

I lay back down staring at the ceiling, there are raised edges of the same material as the wall creating pictures and designs. I never noticed it before now. It shows a storm over Ocean Hill, lightening crashes in the middle of the city, and I can't tell from this distance but I think the bolt is tinged purple, but it could be a reflection from the bed. I hear a cough from the salon, turning my gaze to the open door of the salon. I can see a blue glow coming from the room. I sit up again, pulling a robe around me. My temples throb with every step and I keep my eyes squinted and turned toward the floor. The sun is much too bright.

"There she is!" Kilorn practically yells from his place on the salon sofa as I enter the room.

"Why are you talking so loud?"

He picks up a small cup from the tray of food on the small knee-high table between the couch and the chairs. "Here," He hands it to me, "This will help your head until we get you to Sara."

I swallow the contents without a second thought, easing myself into a gray chair across from Kilorn, folding my legs under me.

He gestures to the TV across the room issuing the strange blue glow I saw from the bedroom. "Did you know," He says with a wicked grin on his face, "that these things are not just for broadcasts?"

I nod, taking some bacon from the plate between us. It crunches and denigrates in my mouth. "Is this the breakfast?"

Kilorn nods absently watching a silver news anchor report on a riot outside of Archeon. _"The riot was quickly dispersed by the NR Guard. Rioters have been detained for questioning pending an open investigation."_ The screen flips through video clips of the short riot and clips of officers putting shackled violators into armored transports. "With the Luncheon, they just brought trays of food to our rooms," He answers without taking his eyes from the screen.

I check the clock on the far wall, it's only a little past eight, I still have time to eat and get ready. I pick up the plate of eggs, bacon and toast, along with a fork and pull it into my lap, turning my attention to the screen.

The silver news anchor is one I've seen before what seems like a lifetime ago. _"The Nortan Republic Academy is getting ready for their first annual Open House tomorrow."_ She smiles into the camera, _"We go to Cliff who is with_ the _Tiberias Calore for more information. Cliff?"_

The scene changes to a man standing in Cesar square, a broad shoulder barely showing on screen next to him. _"Thanks Diane."_ He responds to his fellow anchor. I almost don't believe it, this man is red. Three months and the whole world changes. _"That's right, I'm standing here with none other than the last King of Norta. How are you Tiberias?"_

The camera pans out showing more of the fire prince. My fire prince.

On screen, Cal smirks uncomfortably at the title, _"Please call me Cal."_

" _See that ladies, not only is he good looking, he's humble too."_ Cliff says to the lens of the camera. Cal rubs the back of his neck and I can see the tips of his ears turn bone white. _"Tell us,"_ Cliff continues turning back to Cal. _"What do we have in store tomorrow?"_

Cal is much more comfortable with this line of conversation. His back straightens with pride as he speaks. _"We currently only have 50 students and they are all progressing wonderfully. We will have demonstrations of their skills, a look at the curriculum, a presentation on the future of the Academy, as well as a lunch for the family of those enrolled. Anyone is welcome to join us tomorrow."_

Cliff turns back to the camera, wiggling his eyebrows, _"Sources say that a Miss Mare Barrow will also be in attendance tomorrow. Can you confirm this?_

Cal's smile falters just a bit, barely noticeable. But I notice. _"Yes she will."_ He says slowly. _"I believe she will be there for the demonstrations and the presentation at least."_

" _We all know you and her have a bit of a history."_ Cliff angles, _"Will there be a future?"_

I want to vomit and not just because of the alcohol from last night still swilling in my stomach.

Cal looks directly into the camera, speaking to me. _"That is up to Miss Barrow."_ Someone calls his attention off screen and he smiles, _"Ah, Natasa,"_ He waves the woman over and the camera pans out to allow her room on the screen. To my dismay, she looks beautiful. Cal claps a hand on her shoulder talking to Cliff but I can't hear him anymore, white noise rushing to my ears. He didn't say _she_ was going with him.

"I need to shower," I say not bothering to look back at Kilorn or the television screen as I move to the bathroom. I can't listen to Cal sing her praises on national television. I can't watch him look at her. My chest tightens as I turn the heat up all the way in the bath. It's not nearly hot enough. I want to burn.

In an hours' time I am clean and dressed. The dress, one of Gisa's creations of course, is a deep plum color, high collared but low enough to breathe and high enough to cover the brand It's light and flowing, just barely grazing the floor and the sleeves are capped, a slit up to my shoulder on each, matching the ones on both of my legs up to my knee.

Sara meets me at the door of the grand dining hall giving me a gentle squeeze. She puts a hand to my cheek and my lingering headache fads. "Thank you." I murmur as he takes her hand away.

She shrugs, "I figured you'd need me today." She smiles and I grimace at the memory of my behavior the night before.

"I'm sorry about-" I start but she cuts me off.

"Trust me, I understand." She says and something in her eyes makes me believe her. Sara ushers me further into the dining hall before being pulled away giving me time to look around.

The grand dining hall is more spectacular than I've ever seen it. Its walls and beams are covered in all shades of green florals speckled with large blooming white roses. I spy Carmadon talking to a few envoys at the end of the large oak table toward the open terrace doors. This must be his work. The table must be set for forty at least, pale pink and rose gold plates set with silver forks and knives at their sides.

I find Farley easily enough as she is already sitting in her seat enjoying a pale white glass of wine.

"Hair of the dog?" She asked smirking, offering me a glass of my own as I sit next to her.

"Nope," I answer quickly waving off the drink easily, the thought making me nauseous all over again. "How was your meeting this morning?" I change the subject, pouring myself a glass of water.

"Interesting to say the least," She says scratching her chin. "It was just information on Tiraxes."

"And?" I prod eagerly.

"It's a lot like how Montfort was before. High houses and Lords all fighting over land and it's just as hot as Piedmont." Farley smirks at something I don't know. "It's a wild west town." She seems far away for a moment but catches herself quickly. "We're starting much the same way as we did Norta. Just gathering intelligence right now."

"So, when do we leave?" I meet her gaze head on. She knows my meaning, I'm seeing this through to the end. Whether it be the end of the war, or me, whichever comes first.

Her face becomes soft and she puts a gentle hand on my knee. "Mare we may not see the end of this. I have been working on this for a little over five years and there are others who have oathed more time than I have. Progress is not quick." She's saying I got lucky.

And she's right. I nod because there's nothing I can say. I've only been in this war, this fight for red equality for a year and a half. A horrific eighteen months but still others have endured more and worse than I have.

Farley takes her hand away as she takes a sip of her wine. "And besides that, your face is too damned recognizable. I couldn't use you now if I wanted to." She turns to me pointedly, "What I'm saying is, you have time. If you wanted to," She pauses, dropping her voice so only I can hear, "If you wanted to stay here, for a little while. See how it feels? I know you went to see him last night. I honestly don't think that anyone would blame you if you stayed."

"Farley," I groan leaning back in my chair, "It's not that simple."

Farley's eyes whip to mine with speed and force, "Listen to me Barrow, I've had about enough. I've read those damned letters, I've seen you waste away, I see it in your eyes now and I saw it in his face last night," She growls between clenched teeth, frustrated with me. "Your great love is right there begging for you to just be near him and you just keep denying him. Making you both miserable in the end."

I say nothing but stare at my hands in my lap like a scolded child.

She softens again leaning against my shoulder. "I just think that if you truly loved him, you would at least try to make it work. She holds up a hand before I can interrupt. "I know you are going to say it's not that simple, but it really is that simple. Talk to him, listen to him, compromise. Be there for him like he's always been there for you. Teach each other how to be again."

Again and like always, she's right. I was a mess last night. I have been a mess for the past year.

The rest of the luncheon blurs with polite conversation. Saying too much and nothing at all. I'm not very good at it and I keep to myself for the majority of the meal. As soon as the luncheon is over I'm the first one out of the door, the giant room suffocating and claustrophobic. My mind is racing and I can't seem to hold on to one thought. All I can think about is bronze eyes and fire.

Instead of thinking I concentrate on my actions. Walking back to my room. Changing into the black leather leggings and black tunic with dark purple bolts embroidered on the neck line you can barely see that Gisa made me bring. I pull my hair back into a tight bun. The look is severe and harsh, along with my Scarlett Guard issued boots, I look ready for battle. In a way, I suppose I am going into battle. _To look powerful is to be powerful,_ floats through my memories and I almost vomit on the white marble floor of the entry way of Ocean Hill. I stand in the doorway waiting for the transport with my hands clasped behind me, my back ramrod straight.

"Hello Mare." A voice behind me calls. Carmadon stands next to me coping my stance. He's clad in his trademark white suit, contrasting beautifully with his midnight skin. He watches with me as the transports pull up and park in perfect unison.

"Hello Carmadon." I reply with a nod of my head. "How are you enjoying your trip?"

"Oh, very well," He responds with an easy smile, "I've always wanted to see Norta for myself. Dane's tales don't do it justice." He looks down at me, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he smiles. "You have a beautiful country."

I look out across the courtyard. "I'm not sure it's my country anymore."

"Of course it is!" He replies incredulously, "You may call another home, but this," He gestures out across the land. "This is in your blood. You are Nortan made little one, don't you ever forget that."

 _Aren't we all made and unmade by someone else?_ I shake my head trying to rid myself of the memory. "I'm not sure where my home is." I mutter under my breath.

I hear him sigh low, "My home," He says simply, "Is where Dane is. I spent the better half of a year with my home somewhere else, not knowing if he'd return."

I watch him now, his dark face drawn, his brows furrowed at the memory. "H-how did you do it?" I stutter, asking the question I have thought about every day for three months.

Carmadon chuckles sardonically. "Lots of wine and distractions." He looks back down to me, the corners of his mouth lifting in a sad smile, "It wasn't easy and there are more nights than I care to admit that I worried myself sick. But how could I tell him no? How could I keep him from his dream? His goal? He is Nortan made too and one thing I've learned about you Nortan's is that you are strong and determined. And there is no telling you no." At my sigh of disappointment he leans down so that only I can hear. "It is possible, you know? Red and Silver to live and love together. Even miles apart."

I feel as if my words have been stolen from my throat and all I can do is bob my head in agreement. Cal wouldn't wait behind for me, not if my life was in danger. If the situations were reversed, I don't know if I would wait behind either. I can picture it now, pacing the floor waiting for word if he was alive or dead. It would eat me up. "Perhaps." Is all I can say in reply.

The last time I was in New Town, Kilorn almost died. The building that we had toppled from is long gone. Many of the buildings that were here then have been torn down and new buildings are being erected in their place. New, stable, safe buildings. The sound of nails being hammered, metal being formed surround us as we walk through a portion of the city.

I can tell Carmen is proud of the work she's done. It's so plainly written all over her face. And so is her father, he beams at her from the back of the group as she leads us through the small town.

"This building," She points to her right, "Will stand as the Union headquarters. We have the Tech Union on one floor and we are working on setting up similar unions for the lumber yards and the mines in the Rift. The Samos' have been extremely helpful in gathering all of the safety information we require."

I knew Ptolemus was running the mines now but I had no idea he was working with Cameron to make them safer.

Cameron continues, "This one," She points to a brick building, newly made, to her left, "This is the new orphanage for those that have lost their families. All children in orphanages around the country are offered a scholarship to the academy, abilities or not, to further their education. They have to maintain a certain grade average but most of the kids are excited to start school next season."

I glance up at the building. There must be fifteen children all hanging their heads out of various windows on the third floor. They whisper and watch us as we walk. I hear my name more than once and it doesn't take much force to turn the lights off and on in the room the children are in. I look up again and wink. I hear them squeal, their whispers turning to gasps and excitement as we pass.

"They ask me about you _all_ the time. I'm going to have to hear about that for a week." Cameron calls to me as she walks backward in front of the group.

I shrug, "Better you than me."

Cameron rolls her eyes and turns back around to continue the tour. The rest of the town is mostly the same, people hanging out of doors and windows to get a glimpse at our ragtag group. Kilorn and Farley in their Scarlett Guard uniforms, Carmadon in his white suit, and me. I feel stares linger on the scars on my neck. Bolts of lightning twisting up my side in pink raised lines. I keep my eyes forward trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I don't want to see their faces, their thanks or their pity.

We meet with the Nortan Republic Guard stationed to the area, we meet merchants who have moved here, and greenwardens who are charged with cleaning the pollution in the air. We meet the people who have started to organize the elections for City Counsels, listened to a presentation on how they will decide who goes on the ballot, a preliminary election, as well as what they will be responsible for after the elections. It's all very drawl and a tad boring.

I'm more than happy to see the transports arrive to take us back to the palace. This day has been long and all I want to do is eat dinner and sleep. I climb into the first transport to open a door, the driver the same silver from the day before. He nods to me as I get in and Farley follows closely behind me.

"You ready for tomorrow?" She asks as the door closes.

"I'm not going to Archeon." I state.

"Mare," Farley starts but I cut her off, turning to face her.

"I told you before I wasn't going and you had Tahir put in on the itinerary anyway." I sit back in my chair crossing my arms over my chest as the driver, I should probably ask his name, pulls off onto the road.

"And I told you it was non-negotiable." Farley shoots back.

"Do you see me in a Scarlett Guard uniform?" I ask motioning to my outfit, "I'm not one of your soldiers Diana."

Farley rolls her eyes, "You know that's not true. You are as much a soldier as I am."

"I'm not going." I repeat.

"You are. If I have to drag you there myself, you will be on that jet next to me tomorrow morning." Farley says facing me, her finger jabbing every word at me.

" _He's_ there." I say as if it's an explanation.

"Cal?" She asks, her brows furrowed. "Of course he's there."

"No," I growl, "not him. _Him._ " I won't say his name, not out loud, but my fingers ghost over my collarbone automatically at the thought of his ice blue eyes.

Farley's mouth makes a perfect 'o' as she looks at me. "Oh, that."

"Yeah, that." I tsk.

Farley leans back in her chair, "Are you just going to avoid Archeon for the rest of your life?"

"If I can help it," I mutter as I turn to look out the window.

"I think it'll be good for you to go." Farley pushes. "If it gets to be too much, you can leave, but you have to try and get through it."

 _Get through it. Get through it,_ repeats in my head all the way back to the palace and through dinner. Farley doesn't come and stay with me and I have to try to sleep alone.

* * *

The next chapter may take a bit longer than the others have so I apologize in advance.

Please, please, please, please, leave me a review, you have no idea how happy they make me :)


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination.

* * *

Thirteen

I have woken up screaming three times. Each time I fall asleep I find myself in a gray stone room with no doors or windows, the only light illuminating from the glass jars on shelves that line the walls. Their contents silver liquid that seems to glow. _He's_ here too.

The first time he was on top of me, knee digging into my shoulder as he plunges the small silver knife into my chest.

The second time I was him, seeing myself through his eyes, plunging the knife into my own chest.

The third and final time I am lying on the ground, his dead body crushing the minimal air I have out of my lungs. I can feel the warmth of his blood seeping out of his body surrounding us in a strange silver halo. When I look down, it's not Maven at all. It's Cal.

I don't go back to sleep after that.

Instead, the sky still dark, the sun barely rising over the horizon, I find myself wandering the halls. A few maids rush around getting ready for the day's events but they pay me no mind. In no time, I find myself in front of a familiar door. He isn't here, I know that, but I push the door open slowly and quietly all the same. I can still smell the burning wood from days before, the hearth is cold by now. His bed is unmade, left just as it was when he woke here last. Papers and folders are stacked on his desk, half of them gone through with his notes of recruitment and curriculum scribbled down the sides.

I run my hand over the words he's written as if I could hold the hand that wrote them. The wiring is shot in this room, my fault from months ago, I know, and the room is bathed in the dark blue of barely morning.

I make my way over to the bed slowly, to the side I know he sleeps on. I lay down breathing deep, I can still smell him. I pull the blankets over me and pretend the warmth they give is his. _You could stay here, you know._ I think selfishly to myself, _you can stay here with him, safe and warm and happy._ But could I? Would I be happy here? I close my eyes breathing him in and I fall asleep without any dreams.

I'm woken by a startled maid coming in to change the sheets. "Oh, miss, I'm sorry." She apologizes, trying her best not to bow. "I didn't know you were in here."

I sit up, trying to stretch out the kink in my neck, "No, it's my fault. I didn't mean to fall asleep."

The maid fiddles with her fingers nervously. "I just had your breakfast brought up to your room. I can have them bring it in here, if you'd like miss."

"No, no." I wave her off, "I'll go back to my room." I say standing to leave the room, if only to get away from the woman who continuously calls me 'miss'.

"Miss," She calls before I leave the room and I have to fight a grimace. I turn to see her cheeks blaze a brilliant red. "I'd be remise if I didn't…" She trails taking a tentative step forward. "I just wanted to tell you thank you myself." She says gathering her courage and straightening her back, she meets my gaze head on with no fear. "I never thought I'd see the day."

Something in her eyes stops me from chastising this woman. She must be my mother's age or near to it, gray streaks creep from her temples into her tight bun.

At the furrow of my brows she continues hastily, "I know you don't want to be thanked or anything of the kind, but you have done so much for us reds, I couldn't let the opportunity pass."

I nod, allowing her thanks. "You're right, I don't want your thanks."

She hangs her head in disappointment.

"But," I say calling her attention back up to me. "Thank you." I almost choke on the words, I haven't said it in so long. "If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know."

She puts a hand to her chest in shock, "For me?" She repeats unbelieving, "I should be saying that to you!"

I smile at the woman, bowing my head to her, "No need, you do enough already."

She smiles at me, a bit of mischief in her eyes, "You don't think you could…?" She trails off pointing up to the chandelier, "Could you fix it?"

At that I bark out a genuine laugh. "That's my fault, I'm afraid," I rub the back of my neck sheepishly. "I think he needs a new one."

She nods with a smile, "I'll have Mr. Jacos order one. Now, go and eat, you have a full day ahead of you and you'll need your strength." She says shooing me from the room.

"Yes, ma'am." I say and make my way back down the hallway to my room. _Get through it, get through it, get through it._

* * *

Kilorn has already eaten half my breakfast by the time I get to my room.

"Didn't you get your own breakfast?" I ask reclaiming the bacon in his hand.

"I did and I'm still hungry," He pouts sitting back on the purple couch. "And you weren't here. Where'd you go?"

I plop down next to him, chewing on the meat. "I couldn't sleep. Took a walk." I say decidedly not telling him where I walked to.

"Nightmares?" He asks looking sidelong at me, concern painting his features. "I thought Farley was going to stay with you."

I nod, "Farley's annoyed with me."

He chuckles, "What did you do this time?"

"I told her I wasn't going to Archeon." I say around a large piece of melon. Gisa would not approve of my table manners.

"Yeah, I told her that was going to happen." Kilorn says rubbing the back of his neck. "I even bet Cal."

I grimace, _so that's what the bet was about._ "Great. Did you at least win any money off them?" I ask rolling my eyes.

"Nah, it was only for pride, and bragging rights of course." Kilorn's chest puffs as he talks. I can already see his head doubling in size.

"Of course," I groan, "Farley's making me go anyway."

"Are you surprised?" He asks turning to me, raising one eyebrow.

"No, I guess not. I just don't…" I trail off not knowing how to voice my emotions. I want to see the school. I want to see Cal. I don't want to step foot in Whitefire. "I don't want to go back there."

"I don't blame you," Kilorn says sighing, "I wouldn't either. You almost died twice in that place."

"More than that." I grumble crossing my arms over my chest.

"Semantics." Kilorn says waving me off, "But that place wasn't what did all that to you. It was one person and he's dead now. You don't have to be afraid of the place."

"He might be dead, but he's still there." I push childishly.

"He's buried in a steel box under six feet of silent stone covered in cement. Even if it was possible for him to rise from the dead, he's not getting out of there."

"You've seen the tomb?" I ask, my voice barely louder than a whisper.

"Yeah," Kilorn says slowly looking at his lap. "I asked Cal to take me there the last time I was here. He wouldn't step foot in the room. I don't know if he could feel the silent stone or not. I didn't ask."

I stare at the remaining food on my plate, my appetite gone, and he continues.

"They took the stones from the room where he kept you. I was there for that too."

I snap my gaze up to meet his. His bottle green eyes bore into mine. "They destroyed it?" Hope and equal parts dread pools in my gut. If there is no evidence of my pain and torture, does it still exist? Did it happen at all? _Of course it did. I still have the scar to show for it. Even more, unseen. It must have happened._ I wish I could have clawed that room apart with my own bare hands.

"No." Kilorn says and I feel the weight of the word on my shoulders. Heavy and unmoving. "Cal and I both decided not to tell you this part and that is on both of us." He says his palms raised in surrender. "Just listen, okay?"

I nod slowly, taking deep breaths. _Think of it from his point of view,_ Evangeline's voice springs forward in my memory and I try, I really try.

"Julian, Cal and I found it. Cal threw up and Julian cried. Especially when he found the books." Kilorn stands abruptly, pacing the room as he recalls the horrid events of my cage. "Annabel saw it next and was genuinely disgusted. I saw it with my own two eyes. She had the stones removed and buried them on top of Maven. When they lowered them I heard her say 'For Mare'. I shit you not." He stops pacing and crosses his heart with his finger. "You can even ask Julian, he heard it too." He continues his pacing, "This next part – Cal and I wanted nothing to do with this part." He stops pacing in front of me and meets my gaze, imploring me to understand. His shoulders slump and his arms dangle loosely at his side. "They kept the room. They use it as a teaching tool." Kilorn moves to sit back down next to me. "They show the kids the room when they teach them about the end of the war."

This is not what I was expecting when he started his story. "They kept it?" I ask disbelieving. On one hand I understand the importance of showing children what a monster did to another person, to prevent those acts in the future, but on the other hand…

Kilorn leans back into the cushion on the couch, "Yeah," He sighs. "Cal won't go near the thing and threatens to burn it down at least once a week."

I feel my lips trying to twitch into a smile. I wish he would burn the whole palace down.

* * *

As Farley promised I am in the seat next to her on the jet.

"And how are we this lovely morning?" She asks cheerily as she buckles herself into her own seat. She's mocking me.

"Tired." I grumble under my breath.

"Nightmares?" She asks quietly enough that only I can here. I nod. "I'm sorry," She says, "I feel asleep going through paperwork. I did mean to come by."

"It's okay," I mutter, "I've got to practice sometime, right?"

She purses her lips as she watches me, but she says nothing.

"What does this tour consist of?" I ask turning to Kilorn across from me.

He smiles at me, this has been one of his projects over the last month and you can see the pride shining off him like the sun. "I'm glad you asked." He says, "We are going to watch their training session, then they will give us a demonstration of what they've learned. We go into a presentation on the curriculum after that while the children are eating lunch with their families. Then while the kids are in class, we will tour the halls and the dormitories as well as some empty classrooms. Then the last thing is the presentation on the future of the Academy. Then we come back and have a fancy dinner and go to bed."

"Is that all?" Farley drawls, "We only have three hours."

"I know," Kilorn snaps, "But I had to fit it all in there somehow."

Farley smirks at him, "I'm only teasing Warren, you did well."

Kilorn sits back into his chair, fighting, and losing, a smirk.

The flight is short, much shorter than the trip from Montfort. Not nearly enough time for me to stop the shaking in my fingers. I have not made a decision yet, not one that would change anything. Cal owns my heart that much is very clear. He is the one that I love, the only one that I have ever and will ever love. I just don't know if I can stay. If I should stay. _But maybe you can._

I shake my head of the migraine inducing thoughts as the wheels of the jet touch down, causing me to bounce in my seat. This runway is not nearly as smooth as Fort Patriot's. I look out the window across the river, there are transports and people bustling around, but I notice there are some buildings missing and the three-tier bridge currently only has one tier, the metal skeleton of another tier waiting to be built above it.

As the jet parks and opens the hinged door at the back, I work my buckles slowly, dreading the thought of leaving the plane. I don't want to be here. _Get through it. Get through it. Get through it._ I grit my teeth as I unbuckle the last safety restraint and stand, back straight and strong. I will not give anyone here the pleasure of seeing me weak. I will not.

I stomp out of the plane with the rest of our precession into the bright sun of Archeon.

To my dismay, Natasa is waiting for us on the runway. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes at her black and red dress. Cal's old house colors. _I will give her a black eye to match before I leave for Montfort_ , I promise myself and I feel a bit of warmth in the pit of my cold heart. I truly hate this woman.

"Good morning." Natasa chirps as we depart the back of the jet. "We have transports waiting for you to take you to the Academy." She gestures behind her at the waiting transports, "We're all very excited to have you here today."

Farley follows me to the first transport and for some unknown reason Natasa seems to think it would be wise to travel with us. She climbs into the front seat, sitting sideways in the chair to better see us. I'm directly diagonal her from my seat behind the driver.

"I'm so excited to have you here, Mare." She says trying to engage me and I nod. There is no conversation that I could have with this woman to make me be civil. She's trying valiantly, I'll give her that. "Cal has been so nervous the past few days." She says looking down at her lap, "I know he's happy you're here."

So she's not as dumb as I thought. "I was happy to see him too." I respond, not giving her the validation she was looking for.

She meets my gaze, worrying on her fat bottom lip. "There will be news crews there and they have requested to get a quick interview with you. He told them they would have to take it up with you."

I look over at Farley who nods, "Yes, but that is up to you, Mare." She says meeting my gaze. "You don't have to do that."

"At least I get a choice in that." I retort, still mad I'm even here. _Get through it, get through it._

"Yes, well, we can't all be that lucky." Farley turns her attention back to her own window, not rising to the bait.

Natasa looks sheepish, "Your interview is scheduled when we arrive, General."

Farley doesn't respond. I return to looking out my window, watching the buildings as we pass, the missing faces of buildings winking like missing teeth in a smile.

"Mare?" Natasa tries calling my attention from the front seat.

I don't turn my head. "Yes?"

"I want you to know…" She trails off her words thick and she clears her throat, "I want you to know I care very much about Cal."

"I can tell." I turn to meet her emerald eyes, they waver just slightly when they meet my mud brown gaze. "You've made it abundantly clear."

"I'm not sure how you feel or what you plan to do-" She starts but I cut her off.

I lean forward in my chair so that our faces are mere inches away. "What my feelings are or what I plan to do after this trip are mine and Cal's. I don't owe you anything." I can feel a spark run down the side of my face with my scars. It wasn't planned but I watch her eyes widen slightly as they trail the purple veins of electricity.

"I'm not afraid of you." She says so quietly it doesn't add much to her case. I can see fear in her eyes all the same.

"You should be." I say sitting back in my chair.

"I-is that a threat?" She asks trying to find her steel, but stutters anyway.

"It's a promise." I say turning back to the window.

* * *

 **Oh my goodness! You all are so sweet! Hopefully this wasn't too long of a wait! Let me know what you guys think, it seriously makes my day when I get a review.**


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Fourteen

There are burgundy flags with NR embroidered on them in white hanging from every surface possible of the training grounds. Seating has been set up for our group as well as parents of the children around one side of the sand. The children are lined up in military precision, the littlest ones have their palms flat to their sides, their noses in the air as they try and stand as straight as possible, mimicking the older children. They can't be more than five or so. The older children seem more relaxed in their stance. I spy Luther among them, his eyes widening slightly as he sees me, his grin spreading. I wink at him as I take my seat. His ability will not be on display today. I make a mental note to ask Cal about him later. I turn in my seat looking for Luther's father.

I spot him easily enough as he enters the training grounds from the back of the room, an old worn scarf twisted in his hands. I stand to greet him, waving him over to me. "Hello, Mr. Carver." I greet once he is near enough to hear me. The room is bustling with dignitaries and parents.

He catches me off guard by wrapping his arms around my shoulders. "Miss Barrow." He breathes into the top of my head.

"I'm glad you're here," I say genuinely as I pull back. I don't know what happened to him after we left with Luther and I never asked. Another failure on my part that I am working to remedy.

"I could say the same to you." Mr. Carver smiles as his hands drop from my shoulders. "I should get to my seat," He looks around nervously at my company behind me.

"Nonsense," I hear Carmadon pipe up from a few seats behind me. "Please sit up with us sir."

It is clear by Mr. Carvers down cast eyes that he is still not used to being addressed by silvers.

"You can sit here next to me." I say gesturing to the empty seat to my left.

"Thank you Miss Barrow." He says as he starts to take a seat.

"Please, call me Mare." I say sitting next to him.

He pats my hand with a watery smile, "Mare." He nods repeating my name.

"Did you see Luther?" I ask pointing out to the sand. Mr. Carver's son is standing tall and proud.

"I did." Mr. Carver says waving a bit at Luther. "He loves it here."

"Good, I'm glad he's doing so well."

Mr. Carver turns to me meeting my gaze, "It's all because of you. You saved his life."

I cover his hand with mine. "No," I whisper, "That was Julian Jacos. He gave me the purpose."

Mr. Carver nods letting the conversation end there thankfully.

Cal's voice pulls my gaze out to the sand again. He's in a black training uniform, it looks like one of the uniforms we found in the jet so long ago. The one where he ripped the burning crown from the shoulder. Its form fitting to say the least, the definition in his arms and back clearly visible in the contours of the fabric. His eyes meet mine and I feel my face burn bright scarlet. I look away first.

"Thank you all for coming. The students are extremely excited," He smiles looking down to the littlest ones who are twitching and moving in their spots. They are radiating excitement, their little stern faces trying valiantly not to smile. I've never been a fan of children, but I can't help myself they are too cute for me not to smile with them. Cal continues, "And extremely happy you are all here. As am I. For the next half hour we will be showing you a little of our skills and our progress."

The students have an array of abilities, from telkies to nymphs, from greenwardens, teleporters and swifts, to even some of the more rare abilities like a newblood burner I've never seen before. Cal waves him to the front and stands behind him, his large hands on the boys' shoulders. The boy's mop of sandy brown hair is almost too long and he whips his head to get the hair out of his eyes. "This is Mattie. He is twelve years old from Harbor Bay and he is the only newblood burner that we have found. For someone who shares his ability, I have taken great joy in teaching him what I know. He will be our first demonstration today." Mattie is large for a twelve year old, his broad shoulders almost as wide as Cal's and the top of his head nearly to Cal's chin. For as tall as Mattie is, I can tell he still has some growing left.

Cal waves him on and the boy nods a few times, agreeing with whatever Cal whispers in his ear.

The boy puts his hands out, palms up, and a bead of sweat forms on his brow. Not from heat, I've seen this enough with Cal to know its concentration. His hands burst into flames, a bit too quickly and he settles them with a bit more furrowing of his brow, until just a candle flame is visible in his hand.

There is clapping right away from a small woman who stands in the back of the room. I'm guessing this is Mattie's proud mother because a blush blooms across his cheeks.

Cal comes back to the boys' side, clapping a proud hand on his shoulder. "This has been only a few weeks' worth of training. Mattie's mother brought him to us after an accident at their home burnt everything but her son. This story is not unlike most of our newblood students." There are more presentations, a telkie girl juggling looking slightly bored, a little nymph whose wave got a bit too close to the crowd, Davidson holding up a quick shield to save us from getting damp. All I could watch was Cal, his easy smile with the children. Speaking to them all as they completed their demonstration, congratulating them and I'm sure telling them how to do better next time. The poor nymph girl was almost in tears and I watched as he knelt down in front of her as another student to their turn. I couldn't see what he was saying, let alone hear him, but the little girl wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and smiled at him. He reached out and ruffled her hair before standing again, turning back to his charges.

This is where Cal belongs. He looks happier than I've ever seen him.

 _No, not ever._ I've seen him this way, in this palace, with Maven. It's suddenly a bit harder to breath, air coming in shallow and hard and I can't seem to get a grip on it. Ice blue eyes sear into my soul, I feel the brand on my collarbone burn as if it's on fire. My heart hammering against my rib cage, I can feel the whine of the lights above me behind my eyes. And I can't breathe.

"Mis-Mare?" Mr. Carver stutters drawing my attention down to my hands. They are vibrating with purple sparks.

I quickly try to brush my hands against my pant leg but I'm just singing holes in the material. _I can't be here, all I do is destroy._

"Mare?" Farley questions from the right side of me. Her voice is far away and I can't concentrate on it.

Panic surges through me. I can't stop it, it won't stop, I can't breathe. The lights blink as I rise from my seat and rush for the door. There are too many people staring at me. _The great lightening girl can't even control herself, what a sham,_ I sneer at myself as I push into the hallway. I put my hands on my knees bracing myself, I take deep gulps of air, but I feel as if my throat is closing, the heavy blanket of silence covering me. I look down at my hands, sparks still there, no stone.

 _Control._

 _I can't. I can't._

 _Control._

 _I can't! It won't stop!_

 _Control._

 _I can't breathe._

"Mare, control." The last voice is not my own and the sound vibrates through my chest. Cal's fire hot hands are on my cheeks forcing me to look at him, I can see people staring from the training room as the door swings closed behind him. "It's just me." He says softly, "It's okay, it's just me."

"I-I can't stop it," I manage to say in between heavy breaths, my heart slamming against my rib cage, "I can't stop it." Tears well up in my eyes and I can feel them race down my cheeks. I let them fall.

He turns me so that his chest is against my back, his arm over my collarbone, bracing me against him. "Can you feel me breathe?" He asks taking a deep breath. I nod, my breath still shallow and quick, "Breathe with me."

I concentrate on his breaths, feeling his chest rise and fall against my back and I try to match it. He takes deep even breaths and I try to do the same through my hiccups, I try to think of nothing but him.

Once the sparks recede and my breathing evens out, he releases his hold on my collarbone and moves his hands to my shoulders. I can feel his chin resting on the top of my head, his fingers hot through the fabric of my shirt. "Are you okay?"

I nod, "I just… I remembered…" With my breathing and sparks under control I feel increasingly stupid, I turn to face him, his hands dropping to his sides. He's entirely too close.

"I get it." He says running a hand through his hair, "This place has a lot of memories." He says looking over my head down the hall, I'm sure seeing a memory from long ago.

"You should get back inside." I say, more embarrassed than anything that he followed me out here. "I'm okay."

He looks back down at me, worry knitting at his features. "You shouldn't be alone."

"You have other things going on," I gesture to the door behind him. "I'll be fine," I croak, the words foreign. I clear my throat, "I'll be fine." I repeat, more for myself than him. _I will be fine._

"Still, you shouldn't be alone."

"She's not alone." Again Evangeline Samos has saved me. "I'll babysit Barrow," She says inspecting her nails as she leans against the wall next to the door.

Again she isn't donning any metal that I can see. She wears a tight black skirt that ends at her knees, and a plain white shirt. I don't think I've ever seen her in such a simple outfit before.

Cal looks from Evangeline and back down to me. "Are you sure?" He asks suspiciously.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Go," I give him a light shove on the arm toward the door. "I'll be at the next whatever thing they have me scheduled for."

He smirks only slightly, I can still see the worry in his eyes, but he agrees all the same. "Okay, but if the lights flicker I'm getting you a new babysitter." He says as he opens the door and re-enters the training arena.

Evangeline crosses her arms as she leans into the wall, one of her feet resting flatly against it. "What do you need?" She asks softly.

I look around the marble hallway. It's cold and large and completely claustrophobic. "Air. I need to go outside."

Evangeline nods, pushing herself off the wall. "Let's go outside then."

She takes me down winding halls I'm not sure I've ever seen before. With the redecorating it's hard for me to tell which hall is which or where they lead. At the end of the hall there is an unassuming door. It is just plain oak, nothing as ornate as the rest of the palace. She pushes the door open and sunlight pools in, the rush of cold October air surrounds me and I inhale greedily.

It's a courtyard with a maze of shrubs all leading to a small white gazebo with a cathedral top. There are flowers of white and red bloom woven into the shrubs. Evangeline clasps her hands behind her back and leads me down a path of weather beaten stones to the gazebo. A bench is suspended from the ceiling of the gazebo with chains. She takes a seat on the bench and pats the spot next to her gesturing for me to sit. Once I do, she kicks her legs in and out and the bench begins to sway.

"Is it weird being back here?" She asks, her fingers wrapped around the edge of the seat, her eyes watching her legs swing in and out.

"Yes." I answer, not elaborating. Weird is an understatement and she knows it.

She turns her gaze out to the garden among the maze. "I've always liked this courtyard best." She says changing the subject.

"It's nice," I say, _I've seen better,_ I think.

"It's not the grandest, it's not the biggest or the prettiest. But it has this swing." She says rubbing at the worn wood on the bench beneath us. "I really like this swing."

The shrubs are all overgrown, tall grass has sprouted in between them. The paint is chipping from the gazebo, the wood of the bench weather worn and rough, the chain holding it up is iron and rusted. No one has cared about this gazebo for a long time. Except Evangeline. For all its flaws and deterioration, she still loves it as if it were shiny and new. With her ability she could shake the rust off the chains with little more than a blink. But she doesn't. She likes it just the way it is.

"I'm surprised it survived the battle." I say recalling the flood and the bombs that ravaged this city. How did this little structure made of little more than kindling make it out still intact?

"Oh it got some burns and scrapes but it survived." She responds absently, "It's still standing."

 _Just like me. I will be fine. I will get through it._

* * *

We sit in the courtyard, gently swaying back and forth until Farley comes and gets us. "They are getting ready to start the next presentation." Farley says from the open doorway. "Are you ready?"

I nod solemnly. "Ready as I'll ever be."

Farley leads us through the palace to a large room that has been repurposed into a lecture hall. Arena style seating with cushy arm chairs rings a chalkboard mounted to the wall. This was nothing like one of the classrooms in the Stilts, nor were our arena seats this comfortable.

Julian stands patiently near the chalkboard as we all file into the room. This is a much smaller group than the first presentation. There are no parents here and there's only about ten of us in the room. "Thank you all for joining me." He says as most of us have taken our seats. "I just wanted to go over quickly what we plan on teaching the children. For the Nortan Silvers in the room, this may look familiar to you, for our reds in attendance this will be, hopefully, new to you."

Julian goes on with his speech, going over what is taught for different age groups. Depending on the school level and knowledge level of the children they may be put into different groups for certain subjects.

I start zoning out, staring at the corner of the chalkboard until someone says my name. Farley elbows me in the ribs to get my attention. "Pay attention." She says through gritted teeth.

I roll my eyes, readjusting in my seat, trying to concentrate on the words Julian is saying.

"As for history, most of you in this room will have your name in a history book. Some of you we will not have to name, but there are others that will not be so lucky." He looks at me pointedly in the crowd. "Unfortunately, Mare, this line of history starts with you."

I cross my arms over my chest. I do not want to be in anyone's history book.

"As the first widely known case of a newblood in Norta, you could not be spared." He says almost apologetically.

 _You are simply the first that they could not hide._ I hear his voice in my memory from what feels like years ago.

Julian looks over my head, "You too, Cal."

I turn in my seat to see Cal leaning on the wall by the door. His arms are crossed and his eyes are on me as he nods.

Julian continues down his list of who will have to be named in the book. To my chagrin, Farley is spared.

"And that is really all that I had." Julian concludes, "If you would like to shadow one of the classes please let me know and we can have that arranged. Otherwise if you would follow Kilorn, he will take you on the tour of the dormitories."

Kilorn opens the door at the back of the classroom and ushers people to follow him. I wait until everyone is standing and heading to the door before I rise out of my seat. I turn toward the door and see that Cal has not moved. He watches me as I take the stairs slowly and stop in front of him.

"Should I be going on this tour?" I ask without any preamble. He knows what I mean. Am I going to need to leave the tour? Will it be too much?

He watches me for a moment and then uncrosses his arms, pushing off from the wall. "Probably not, but I'll walk with you."

I nod and he gestures for me to enter the hallway first. The rest of the tour is already halfway down the hall when we start to follow them. I can barely hear Kilorn.

Cal and I walk in silence as Kilorn points out different rooms of interest along the way. I'm not listening. If I have anything to do about it, it'll be the last time I'm here. The last time I will ever walk these halls, but there are a few things I need to see first. I don't want to, but for some reason I _need_ to see them.

"Cal?" I say breaking our silence, "Can you take me to…" I trail off. My cage? The room? I don't even know what to call it. "The room." I finish, the words heavy and weighted.

He looks down at the floor. "Are you sure?"

"I need to see that and…" I trail off again. It has never been this hard to talk to him. "I need to see the tomb."

At that he looks at me, bewilderment and anger in his eyes. "Why?"

"I can find it on my own." I challenge, if he won't help me, I'll just have to help myself.

"No," He says quickly, "I'll take you."

He turns down a hall, separating us from the rest of the group. His shoulders are tense and he stomps down a path.

It's not long before I start recognizing hallways. Everything on this side of the palace looks untouched.

Cal notices my eyes lingering on painting and sculptures as we walk. "They didn't change anything in this wing. Thought it would be a good learning experience for the children." He almost spits out the words.

"I take it, you don't agree."

He stops walking and runs a hand through his hair. "Yes and no." He says turning to look at me. He sighs and continues, "I get showing them what he did, what he did to you, how he…" He trails off not able to finish the thought. I understand. "I just hate it. I hate that room, I hate the tomb." He sighs again letting his shoulders slump. "I hate a lot of things about this place."

"I didn't want to come here today." I say.

"I know." He smiles at me, "Kilorn told me."

I sigh putting my hand on my hip, "Are you two like best friends now or what?"

He chuckles at that, "Something like that. I see him a lot more often than anyone else." He looks down at his feet as he starts walking again. "I like Kilorn."

"Finally," I say throwing my hands up following him. "Took you guys long enough."

"Yeah, well we have more things in common than we thought." He looks over his shoulder at me and I can feel my cheeks bloom red.

"I'm sorry." I say stopping where I am.

Cal turns to watch me from four feet away. "For what?"

"The other day." I say, it's my turn to look down at the floor. "I was… out of line."

He smiles, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants. He doesn't say anything.

"I shouldn't have said those things." _I shouldn't have thrown a glass at you either_ , but I don't say that out loud. It's not like I hit him or anything.

"I think," He says slowly looking up at the ceiling for a moment and then back at me, "I probably would have reacted the same, if the situations were reversed."

"I don't like her."

He laughs outwardly, a true genuine laugh that I haven't heard in I don't know how long. It warms me just as much as his heat. I feel a smile tugging on my own lips. "Oh I know," The corners of his eyes wrinkle as he smiles down at me. "I heard about this morning."

I wince remembering the threat. It wasn't a lie, but I shouldn't let her get to me that way. "I also probably shouldn't have said that either." I grumble.

"Eh, I think it's kind of sweet." He chuckles as he begins walking again. "You trying to protect me from the big bad Natasa."

I jog to catch up with him. "I think you've hit your head, your highness." I shove at him a bit.

He shakes his head smiling, but he doesn't take the barb. He slows as we reach a door, a door I recognize, and I stop where I am, the smile fading from my lips.

I can see his own smile turn to a grimace as he stares at the door with me.

I move first, reaching for the doorknob, holding the cool metal in my hand before I push the door open. I take a deep breath and it occurs to me, this is the first time I have opened this door myself. I push the door open, letting it swing on its hinges.

It's musty in here, the air clinging to whatever moisture it can find.

Cal and I both stand in the doorway unmoving.

"I haven't been in here since they took the stones out." Cal whispers to me. There's no one here to hear him and no reason for him to whisper, but something about this room calls for silence, even when all the silence is gone.

I take a step inside the room. "Kilorn told me." I say taking another tentative step. It's just as I left it. I run a hand over the books in the bookshelf, my fingers coming away gray with dust. It's a strange feeling being in this room and knowing I am free to leave whenever I want. I am not trapped her, I am no longer a prisoner. I am free, and yet I still feel tied to this room, this cage.

I move to the bed and smile over my shoulder at Cal, "Did you look under the bed?"

His brow furrows in confusion as he takes a step into the room. "There was nothing under there."

I shake my head lift the mattress with one hand to show him. Broken glass and forks shine in the light coming from the window. "Oh, yes there is." I say.

Cal comes to my side looking down at the trinkets and stolen silverware that I had collected during my captivity. Cal's hand slips into mine, and he smiles. "He never could break you."

I drop the mattress taking my hand from Cal's. "Not in all ways. But some, yes."

Cal watches me as I make a perimeter around the room. "You're still here."

I nod, "Not all the time," I say looking back at him pointedly, "Like this morning."

"Does that happen often?" He asks, concern clearly written all over his face.

I don't answer. It happens at least once a week. I just shrug in way of an answer.

"Maybe someone can help? Make you forget?" He sits on the bed, his elbows on his knees.

"I don't want to forget." I turn toward him and lean against the empty desk across from the bed. "I shouldn't forget."

He nods, "But maybe there's someone that can help."

"It's not something that can be fixed, Cal." I want to stomp my foot in frustration. "I can't be fixed."

"That's not true." He says meeting my gaze with equal frustration. "You are not broken."

I shake my head, I can feel tears welling up in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. "I am."

He crosses the room faster than I've seen him, two long, quick strides and he has my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him, his fingers burning hot. "You. Are. Not. Broken." He repeats, enunciating every word.

I close my eyes and the tears I was fighting a losing battle with fall. He wipes them away gently with his thumbs. I open my eyes to meet his gaze, his bronze orbs of fire searing into my river brown eyes. "I feel like it."

"It just takes time." He whispers, leaving a kiss on my forehead that lingers a bit too long and not long enough. "I promise."

I nod, "Will you take me to him?" I ask knowing he will know who I mean.

"I will." He says and his hands leave my face. Somehow I forgot how cold the world is without his warmth. I tell myself it's the cold that makes me shiver.

* * *

The tomb is a large circular room beneath the palace, farther down than the cells Cal and I were once kept in.

The room is gray, bleached of any color or warmth. Like Kilorn said, Cal doesn't come into the room with me and stands in the doorway. I can't feel the stones beneath my feet and I know Cal doesn't either. It's something else stopping him. I understand the feeling.

Part of the tomb is raised, even though I know _he_ is several feet underneath me, it still gives me pause.

There is no inscription on the tomb other than his name. Maven Calore. No titles, no medals. Just a name. Even I know there is much in a name and this name haunts me every day.

"I know we couldn't have saved him." Cal says behind me. "I know that now."

"I still wonder sometimes." I whisper back to him.

Cal doesn't say anything to that. I'm sure he does too.

I know he does too.

* * *

 **Thank you all so much for reading! I love getting all your reviews. Please let me know what you think! If you liked something let me know, if you don't like something let me know. Hopefully I'll have a new chapter up soon!**


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Fifteen

We never made it back to the tour or the presentation about the future of the Academy. When I asked about it, Cal waved me off saying he'd tell me about it later. "I have to get some stuff before I head back to Ocean Hill." He says as we make our way back up to the ground level of the palace.

"Okay," I say suddenly unaware of what I should do with my hands, I shove them deep into the pockets of my pants. "Should I just go up to the entryway?"

"No," He says shaking his head slightly, the goofy smirk I love beginning to form on his lips. "Come with me."

"Okay." I feel a smile tugging on the corners of my lips and I look down to hide it. Excitement bubbling in my stomach. Even after the events of today, he doesn't want me out of his sight. _I am an old gazebo and he is Evangeline._

He leads me down another hall I don't think I've been down before. As we walk he explains this used to be a residence hall and it's been redesigned into dormitories for teachers. He shoulders open the third door we pass. "And this one is mine." He says as the door swings open. It's much smaller than the residence apartments I'm used to. Probably half the size of the ones in Ocean Hill. It has a small sitting room and an even smaller kitchen, that I'm sure Cal has never used.

The doorway to the bedroom is open and I can see clothes strewn across the floor from here, somethings never change. "I just have to grab my bag and some paperwork and we can get out of here." He calls to me over his shoulder as he makes his way for the bedroom.

As he busies himself, I take a look around the sitting room. The couch is simple, black leather, a gray fuzzy blanket thrown over the back of it. There are tables on either side of the couch with matching lamps, their bulbs still intact. There's not much in this room and I can take a guess to say he doesn't spend much time in here. I make my way to the open door of the bedroom and watch him.

He's bent over his desk, scanning papers spread all over its surface. He takes his time picking the ones he needs and puts them neatly in a folder, which he shoves haphazardly in the bag sitting in between his feet.

His bed is unmade and the room is cluttered and messy, as always, but that is not what catches my eye. On the bedside table there is a picture frame with room for two pictures. One is of his mother, I recognize her instantly from the paintings in Ocean Hill. The other is of me. I step into the room and I can feel his eyes watch me as I make my way to the picture frame.

It's the picture from my identification card.

"It's the only clear picture I have of..." Cal says quietly from across the room. There are several pictures of me and of him, from wanted posters, security footage, and from the bowl of bones. None of them high quality, none of them I posed for, none of them are happy memories.

I look bored in the picture, done with the day and I was, my face dirty, my hair limp and stringy. I was itching to get out of that office, not wanting to be there for a minute longer. I didn't even smile. I had no idea what was waiting for me in my future. "We'll have to get you a better one." I say absently, looking at the girl in the picture, I hardly recognize her.

"Maybe one of both of us?" He asks and I can hear hope color his words.

I don't have the heart to let him down, and who am I kidding, it wouldn't be awful if I had a picture of him. "Maybe," Is all I say.

He hoists a bag on to his shoulder, "You ready?" He says not pushing any farther. "Here," He tosses a leather jacket at me as I turn to face him.

"What's this for?" I ask catching it in one hand and following him into the sitting room.

He turns, a smirk plastered to his face. "Do you trust me?"

 _With my life and everything else,_ I think but I just nod following him out of the room, waiting as he locks the door behind him, clutching the jacket to my chest.

He leads me through the palace, taking old servant hallways, hiding us from the rest of the buildings inhabitance, until I start recognizing where we are.

"Cal?" I call to him, a wicked grin forming on my lips.

"Yes, Mare?" He smiles pushing open the last door into his workshop. The large cement room has florescent lights hanging from above, their buzz of electricity a comfort. There are more metal pieces than before strewn around the room, an old cycle is stripped to its skeleton, a newer cycle sitting right next to the old one covered in sleek black metal.

I shut the door behind me as I enter the room. "Are we going for a joy ride?" I ask, a hand on my hip, the other still clutching the heavy leather jacket.

He chuckles as he busies himself tying his bag to the back of the cycle. "I thought you might want to ride with me instead of in a transport."

 _Oh, do I,_ I think and my cheeks burn at the thought. _Not now,_ I chastise myself.

Cal swings a leg over the cycle, looking back at me. "I mean you can always ride with Farley and Natasa if you want." He smirks over his shoulder. _He thinks he's so slick_.

I pull the jacket on, its baggie on me and the sleeves are too long. But it smells like burning wood, "No, I'll ride with you." I take my seat behind him, pulling a helmet over my head and wrap my arms around his torso.

He starts the cycle, and covers the hand I have flat on his chest with his, I can feel his heart race under my hand. "You ready?" He shouts to be heard over the motor. I nod against his back, holding on as tight as I can. A large bay door opens on one end of the room and Cal angles us toward it as he revs the engine.

He peels out of the room and into the fresh October air, his heat the only thing keeping me warm as we weave around the traffic on the way to air field. Whitefire isn't far from the airfield and in no time I can see the jets on the horizon, I wish the trip was longer.

He pulls on to the runway smoothly and the closer we get the clearer the news crews surrounding our jet are. I hear Cal swear as he circles the jet and heads back the same way we came. I can feel their camera's snap and click with pictures, the reporters pointing and waving with microphones in their hands, shouting our names to get our attention. Cal leaves them in the dust. We don't look back at them.

"Where are we going?" I ask over the roar of the cycle.

"Ocean Hill," Is the only reply I get. I try to calculate how long the ride from here to Ocean Hill is. It has to be at least two hours.

 _You're with Cal,_ I think to myself, _does it even really matter?_ No, it doesn't, I decide.

* * *

I'm sure Farley is having a fit right now, and the thought tugs a smile from my lips. By this time she has certainly noticed I am gone and they should be getting off the jet in Fort Patriot now.

We've been on the road for an hour, the sun starting to dip below the horizon, we decided to stop at an old tavern on the way. Reds pool out after having one too many drinks, laughing and scarlet flushed with alcohol. The joy they have at being able to pay for a drink, a meal, and have some left over evident on their faces as the stubble into the quickening darkness towards their homes.

"I met you at a place like this." Cal says over his drink. He sits across from me at a small table, a hat hung low on his head to hide his face. I have one of my own, but judging by the stares we received when we walked in, they know who we are, and they don't care. The lights are dim here, only a few lights overhead, giving the room the appearance of candle light. It gives Cal a warm glow, almost as if red blood ran beneath his skin.

I meet his gaze from across the table, "You're the only one that's ever caught me." In all my years of pick-pocketing and thieving, he is the only one to grab my hand while it was still in his pocket.

He smiles wistfully at the memory as he puts down his drink, leaning his elbows on the table, "Oh, have I?" He questions and I can see where this is going.

"Yes." I say, and I don't elaborate. _Yes, you caught my hand, my heart, my life. Everything that I am,_ but I do not say that out loud. I still have not made a decision about what will happen after this trip but the thought of leaving him again stills me. I don't want to be without him.

He raises an eyebrow but he doesn't push. He watches me for a while before picking food off my half eaten plate. "We should get going. We still have to make it back for the dinner."

I groan, "I forgot about the stupid dinner."

"Good thing I'm here then," He winks at me, finishing his drink and leaving some coins on the table for the server. She won't have to work for a week with the kind of tip Cal leaves, it's more than enough to cover our food and drinks. He stands and looks down at me, offering me his hand. "You ready?"

I take a few more scraps of my food and shove them in my mouth. I take his hand and I let him lead me out of the tavern, once we're outside I don't let go. He looks down at our hands as we walk to the cycle, surprised, but he doesn't say anything.

He lets me get on the cycle first, before swinging a leg over and settling in the seat.

"Thank you," I whisper as I wrap my arms around his middle. Thank you for not pushing, for helping me, for loving me, for being the same man I fell in love with so long ago. I think I loved him the moment I saw him, but I can't be sure, all I know is that in this moment, I feel whole. A feeling that I don't think I've ever noticed before, it's not like there was something missing from my life before this, but I know now there was. Cal was missing.

He doesn't respond, he bows his head and covers my hands with one of his. I know, like me, there are thousands of words on the tip of his tongue, but none of them will come out.

I hold tighter as he starts the cycle and eases us back onto the road.

* * *

We fly down old dirt village roads, newer paved highways, and finally we can see the lights of Harbor Bay. It's beautiful at night, the lights from the houses and businesses reflect off the water nearby, the smell of salt in the air. I've never seen the city from this side, it's incredible. I can see Ocean Hill from here, it's lit up from top to bottom and it looks like a star in the sky. I can tell now why it was Corrianne's favorite.

We weave around traffic and slow transports and finally pull into the drive of Ocean Hill. The maid I had seen this morning races down the stairs towards us. "Mr. Calore!" She shouts over the noise of the cycle, "Miss Barrow! You're late." She rushes to us, "Hurry, we must get you two ready."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Franklin," Cal blushes as he takes his helmet off and rises from the cycle. He offers a hand to help me off and I accept, if only to keep touching him a bit longer.

Mrs. Franklin, shoos us towards the palace. "Come on now, hurry." She says from behind us, "Miss Barrow, General Farley told me to let her know as soon as you arrived."

I wince. Farley is going to be pissed. "I'm going to get ready right now." I say walking a bit faster toward my room. At the fork in the hallway I let go of Cal's hand.

I take a few steps before I look behind me to see him looking over his shoulder back at me. The world is infinitely colder without him.

"And another thing," Farley continues to berate me as a poor servant helps me braid back my hair. The young girl is talented with her fingers quickly twisting my hair into a braid I'm unfamiliar with, I'm sure she's trying to get out of the room as fast as possible. "You didn't even tell anyone where you were going, I had to hear it from a damned reporter."

"It wasn't planned," I groan, again, for the third time in as many minutes. "They were surrounding the jet and we just…" I shrug, "Left. Cal was the one driving."

Farley narrows her eyes but I stop her before she can continue.

"But we made it on time, we're here and I'm almost ready," I gesture to my face painted with makeup and my hair currently almost done. "I just have to put my dress on and I'm ready to go."

Farley is already in her uniform, the top button undone allowing her to breathe and seethe at me easier. "I will see you downstairs." She growls through gritted teeth, turning on her heel, she mutters angrily to herself as she leaves the room.

I sigh in relief looking into the mirror at the servant behind me. "I'm sorry." I say sheepishly. The poor girl was waiting in my room when I arrived and was present the entire time Farley yelled at me.

She gives me a tight smile, "It's alright miss," She says putting her hands on my shoulders, done with her handiwork. "I have an older sister of my own."

I nod, not bothering to explain that Farley is not my sister. She is the closest thing that I have to an older sister after all.

"Do you like it?" She pulls the braid over my shoulder to look at her work. Instead of the standard three or five piece braids I'm used to, this braid used several different pieces. "They call it a fishtail." She explains.

"It's beautiful, thank you." I say meeting her gaze in the mirror, running my hand down the intricate.

"I've hung your dress up in the bathroom. It's stunning." She says as she backs away, giving me room to stand. She's shorter than I am, which is saying something, she looks more like a bird then a person, as if she might fly away at any moment.

"Thank you, my little sister made it." I say, a blush of pride spreading across my face.

"She's very talented miss." She bows and exits the room without another word. I should really start asking for their names.

I head toward the bathroom. This dress is black, black as night. Black as Cal's old colors. The dress is form fitting to right below my hips where it flairs out. Of course and as always, this dress is high enough to cover my collar bone. The neck, a straight line across my chest to my shoulders, a cut out of a lightning bolt on the back, the bare skin tickling as the tip of my braid sways back and forth. I'm not as muscular as Farley, but I'm thin and lean, and the dress accentuates every curve, no matter how small, I have. _I think you'll be distracting no matter what you wear,_ a voice pulls at my memory and I have to smile. _Oh Gisa, you don't know what you've done._

* * *

Kilorn is waiting for me in the hall. Clad in his own Scarlet Guard uniform, his hair slicked back and neat. His hands are clasped behind his back as he stares down the hall. I clear my throat to get his attention.

"Holy…" Kilorn trails off, his eyes wide as he takes in the sight of me and my dress.

"Nice, huh?" I say as I turn in my dress. For as tight as it is, it is surprisingly comfortable.

"I'll say." He whistles through his teeth. "Gisa is not messing around."

"No, she is not." I chuckle, trying to smooth down a wrinkle in the satin. "Shall we?" I ask extending my arm to him.

"We shall." Kilorn takes my arm, straightening his back and marching us down the hall. I can't help but laugh out loud, the sound echoing down the hallway.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Cal shits himself when he sees you." Kilorn whispers to me as the doors to the grand hall are opened for us.

I let one corner of my mouth be tugged in a smile. "I'm pretty sure that was Gisa's goal."

The hall is full, we must be one of the last to join the dinner. Dignitaries, silver and red, mill together, chatting and drinking, taking small crab cakes and other appetizers from trays carried around by servants in white suits. The room is an explosion of color, from the dresses and suits to the flowers and ivy covering the walls.

I spot Cal across the room, taking a sip from a champagne flute. Our eyes meet and he chokes on his drink, sputtering to whoever is next to him, the crowd of people blocking my view. Cal puts his glass down next to him, not taking his eyes off me, and heads towards me. With the movement I can see Natasa is left behind him following his gaze. I see her pout from all the way over here.

Kilorn lets my arm go, winking at me, "And this is where I leave you." He bows deep with a wink and heads over to where Farley leans against the bar.

Cal is dressed in head to toe black, black suit, black shoes, black tie. He looks like coal, ember waiting to burn. His eyes are bright and the color of melted bronze. I couldn't move from my spot if I tried.

"You look beautiful." He says as he reaches me, his voice like wet sand, warm and soft. I turn in my dress, if only to hide the bright red blush creeping up my face. He leans in and kisses my check quickly, "Remind me to thank Gisa." He whispers in my ear.

My face feels like it's on fire. I roam my eyes over his form, "You don't look too bad yourself." I mutter. I have seen this man naked, bloody, dying, in every which way you can see a person but the sight of him in this suit has my throat closing. I swallow hard. "I need a drink." I say to him looking around.

He offers his arm, and I take it without thought, "Follow me miss."

Cal pulls me through the crowd, I hear whispers as we pass, some even gasp. I'm not sure why, either didn't expect me to clean up so well, or they didn't expect us to be standing here together like this, I don't know. And I don't really care.

Cal grabs a flute off of a passing tray and hands it to me, I down it like the girl from the Stilts I am. I see him smile at me from the corner of my eye.

His attention gets pulled over to an older couple not too far from where we stand. "Ah," He gestures me forward, his hand on the small of my back. His thumb rubbing circles on the bare skin there. "Mare, this is Tanner and Miles," He says shaking hands with them in turn. "They've been assisting me with recruitment in the more rural areas for the Academy."

"Really, Cal just sends us out to the sticks and hopes for the best." Tanner smiles as he shakes my hand. "It's an honor to meet you, Miss Barrow."

"Please, call me Mare." I smile politely. I don't know how many times I've said my own name in the last week, but even I am getting sick of the sound.

* * *

The rest of the evening follows the same pattern. I am introduced to dignitaries or ambassadors or people of interest, they call me Miss Barrow, and I tell them my name is Mare. Again, I am not good at these sort of things and I try to say as little as possible. The meal is winding down, deserts being passed out by practiced servants, they smile as they place each setting.

I'm only on glass number two of wine, when I go to pour a third, Cal pulls the glass away deftly as he continues his conversation with another dignitary. He puts his hand on my leg and squeezes before letting go and placing his hand back on the table.

I'm not interested with the sweets laden across the table, I can see Farley and Kilorn dig in as soon as the plate is set down in front of them. After four courses, I don't think I could eat another bite. I look up and down the table slowly, watching all the different people laugh and talk. Red and Silver sitting at the same table. Carmadon and Davidson are a little further down the table. Carmadon's hand firmly in Davidson's as they laugh and joke with each other. Carmadon leans in and says something to cause a blush to rise on Davidson's neck. I watch them with envy, with hope and want. I wish it was that easy for me, to hold Cal's hand, to whisper to him a private joke in a crowded room.

I glance over at Cal, he's animatedly talking to a gentleman about the mechanics of a cycle, his hands waving, and his face flushed silver. He too has had one too many glasses of wine. I can feel myself smiling as he talks, he loves building things so much and the cycle his pride and joy. He's had the time to tinker more, if the skeleton of a cycle was any indication. His eyes are bright as he explains the mechanisms and gears, the advantages of having them in the armies. I remember the raiders in Montfort on their own cycles. One of them nearly killed me. I can feel a blanket of silence wrap around me at the memory. My breath hitching, my heart racing.

"Excuse me." I whisper as I rise from my seat, heading for the open terrace. I need air.

Once out in the cold evening air I gulp at it. I close my eyes, bracing myself on the stone balcony railing, breathing in and out. In and out. In and out.

It's cold out here and I wrap my arms around my shoulders. It's always cold when Cal's not near me.

I put the palms of my hands to my eyes. What am I going to do? I want to scream. My mind races and argues with itself. Can I leave my family in the safety of a foreign country? Hope the mountains keep them safe? Can I move them back to Norta? No. I can't. They love Montfort, love all that it has to offer, they have a life there. But I love Cal, and Cal is not in Montfort. Cal can't leave Norta, he has too many responsibilities and the children, he would never leave the children. But he loves me too and I am not in Norta. And then there's still the revolution, two more countries to be fought and won, who knows if I even make it back from there, whenever I go.

"Mare?" His voice shocks and sooths me in equal measure. "What are you doing out here?" Cal's heat ripples on the air, warming the small terrace.

I look onto the courtyard below us, sighing, "I was just thinking."

He comes to stand next to me, bracing his elbows on the terrace railing, leaning over to view the courtyard below. There is no gazebo in this one, this one is well taken care of. "That's dangerous," He says smirking up at me.

"Yeah," I sigh again, not taking the barb.

He straightens up to look at me fully, "Are you okay?"

I start to nod, to lie, but then I shake my head quickly. I will not lie to Cal. Not now. "No, I'm not." I look down at my fingers, twisting them together. "I don't know what to do about this," I gesture in between the two of us, "About us."

"Ah," He says taking a step back from me, standing straight. "Have you decided anything?" He looks down at his feet, away from my face, I can hear the disappointment in his words. The fear in what I might say. I'm afraid too.

"No," I say, "And yes."

His head jerks back up. His bronze eyes locked into mine. "What?" He barely whispers.

"I can't leave my family." I say bluntly, and I see the pain in his eyes, "But…" I trail off, "I can't…" My throat is thick and heavy, the words barely making it out of my mouth, "I don't know if I can leave you either."

His mouth is on mine before I've finished my sentence. It's as if my heart has not beat since I left him that day on the airfield in Archeon so long ago. It sings and bursts at the contact and I wrap my arms around his neck, his arms around my back holding me tight to his chest. If he crushed the air from my lungs, I would die a happy woman.

Someone clears their throat behind me and Cal pulls back, only an inch or so, reluctantly. "Cal?" It's Natasa, her voice soft and sad, "You're uncle is looking for you."

His hands are on my cheeks, watching me as I watch him, holding me still as if I might run. "I'll be right there." Natasa doesn't move, I want to kick her. His gaze ticks to her face behind me, "Or, I'll go right now." He kisses my forehead, "Can I see you later tonight?" He asks quietly.

I nod putting my hands to his wrists. "Go," I say just as quietly, "I'll see you later." As he leaves the terrace so does his warmth and I'm cold once again.

I hear the click of Natasa's heels as she enters my vision. "I see you two are getting along," She says with a tight smile.

I straighten my back meeting her gaze. "Yes." I do not elaborate.

"You know he'll never leave Norta, right?" She pushes, leaning against the balcony railing. "He has responsibilities here. People who care for him."

"Like you?" I ask taking a decided step closer to her, I see her try and hide a wince at my closeness and it warms my cold heart.

She doesn't answer right away and she purses her lips and meets my gaze. A challenge if I've ever seen one. She looks me from my feet to my head, "Perhaps."

I laugh coolly in her direction, taking everything I've ever learned from Evangeline and even Elara. I give her my own once over and turn my back to her.

"I've seen him after a nightmare." She calls out and it stops me dead in my tracks. I can hear the click clack of her heels as she comes closer to me. "In the middle of the night when there's no one around." She purrs to me. "For three long months I have helped heal his broken heart. A heart you broke."

My body goes even colder than before. _I'm not interested in her at all,_ his letter had said. Could she be lying? Could he? I feel my heart dying in my chest. I will not let this wretched bitch see me falter.

I turn around and she's far too close. I am born of the Stilts, of mud and red blood. I take a step forward, daring her to step back. She too is born of the Stilts and stands her ground.

"I know who you are Mare Barrow." She spits down at me. "You don't care about anyone buy yourself. You are a thief. Nothing more than river trash."

I smile at that. She knows nothing about me. I wrench my arm back and punch her square in the nose just like Bree taught me when I was a little girl. Red blood spurts from under her hands clasped to her face as I leave her on the terrace to return to my room. I grab a bottle of wine from the table as I pass.

My heart may be broken and cold, but I feel infinitely better.

* * *

 **Please, please, I'm begging you let me know what you think! I think I've only got a few more chapters left in me for this story. I really hope you like this chapter, this was one of my favorites to write.**


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

Sixteen

I sit in my bath, surrounded by milky bubbles as I drink deeply, straight from the bottle. I decide dimly I prefer pink wine over the red or the white. The moons glow the only thing illuminating the bathroom, I burnt out the bulbs long ago.

I keep replaying Natasa's words in my head over and over. I know what her intention was and it angers me even more that it's working. I've been sitting here for at least an hour, letting the cold water drain out and turning the hot water tap on with my foot. My fingers are wrinkled, but the wine is surprisingly still here. Well, barely. I've almost finished the bottle. I don't feel as drunk as I did before, but I also haven't tried to stand. I'm sure if I did I would topple over.

"I've been looking for you." His voice pulls my gaze upwards towards the door. I didn't even hear him come in. Cal leans on the frame of the door, his tie is loosened, the top few buttons of his shirt undone, his suit coat long gone. He still looks devilishly handsome. Dangerously handsome.

"Here I am." I raise the bottle in a mock toast and down the rest of it.

He watches me from his spot in the doorway and sighs, watching the contents of the bottle empty in to my mouth. "What are you doing?"

"Taking a bath." I say, playing with the water lazily with one hand, "Getting drunk." I say raising the bottle in the other. I tip it upside down over the water of the bath watching the last few drops sink into the bathwater.

"And why's that?" He crosses his arms over his chest. He is not amused.

I push myself up and stand in all my naked glory, Cal doesn't even blink. He's seen me naked too many times to count. "Had a nice chat with your little girlfriend."

He rolls his eyes, uncrossing his arms and shoving his hands into his pockets. "She's not my girlfriend."

I raise an eyebrow as I wrap a towel around me. My anger and annoyance letting me stand tall and not wobble. "Really?" I step into his space, my toes hitting the edge of his shoes. "Do _friends_ help you with your nightmares?" He winces and I know deep in my gut she wasn't lying. I want to punch him, I want to vomit. "Get out of my way." I growl.

He steps aside for me but follows me into my closet. "It's not what you think."

I whirl on him, "Oh, it's not?! Did you spend the night with her? Were you writing letters to me while she waited in your bed?" I pull an oversized shirt over my head, not thinking I grabbed the first one out of my bag. It's his I realize too late.

He stares at the shirt unmoving.

"Say something!" I scream and the lights in the closet pop. There's a small voice in the back of my mind telling me that I didn't know anything about what had been going on with him for the last three months until a few days ago. I have no claim here, with him hundreds of miles away it was easy to remember that. With him here, in the same country, in the same room, with him right in front of me, that voice talking about claim is very, very far away. I am possessive on a normal day, I am dangerously territorial when I am drunk. He will always be mine.

"She was never in my bed." He almost growls, his eyes living fire, I want them to burn me where I stand. He takes a step forward and I take one back. "She never slept in my apartment." Another step forward, another step back. "I want you," He emphasizes every word with each step forward. My back hits the wall and he closes the distance, putting both hands on the wall on either side of me, boxing me in. He's hot, angry hot, I can feel sweat dripping down the back of my neck. "We spent one night, with the children, in the great hall. They all had sleeping bags and everything. The kids talked about their nightmares so I shared some of mine. That is all."

Cal would never lie to me. I know he would never lie to me, deep down in my bones I know it. But I'm drunk and so very stupid so I narrow my eyes at him. "I'm going to kill her." I spit up at him, "I swear it, before I leave here she's dead."

Cal rolls his eyes again letting his arms drop freeing me from his grasp. I don't move right away. I don't want to move. "I'll talk to her about this tomorrow."

"Yeah, I bet you will," I shove at him, causing him to stubble back in surprise and I head toward the bedroom, grabbing a pair of shorts along the way. I attempt to put them on as I walk, completely unsuccessful as I stubble toward the bed. I'm a mess. A drunk mess and I did it to myself, again.

I sit on the floor near the base of the bed, unable to walk any farther, the room beginning to tilt again. I look and feel pitiful.

I look up at him, through my lashes, my mouth working faster than my brain, "You don't think she's pretty?" _Stop talking. Stop talking!_ My brain keeps shouting at my mouth to stop but I am much too drunk. "She's very pretty."

Cal laughs and settles on the floor across from me. "I think you're pretty."

I roll my eyes, "That's not what I asked."

"I know," he says smirking. It's infuriating and he knows it.

I scowl at him. "Answer the damn question _Tiberias_."

He raises an eyebrow, "Careful." He warns.

"Oo," I wave my hands in the air. He hates the name, I know he does, but I want him to hurt as much as I do right now.

"Okay, you are way too drunk for this." Cal sighs as he moves to stand, to leave me.

I instantly panic, my heart thrumming against my ribcage. A need so great and urgent swallows me whole and I barely register what I'm doing or saying before the words are out of my mouth. I grab at his wrist stopping him, "Don't leave me." I can feel his flame maker bracelets, the metal warm from resting against his skin.

His brows furrow and I see the resemblance to his mother. It is a look concern and worry and sadness. And he feels them all for me. I'm suddenly very ashamed of myself. My life has taken so much out of his. Who knows what would happen if I never fell into Queenstrial, never picked one last pocket that night? My mere existence causes him pain. I let go of his wrist, ready to let him walk out of the room, prepared to spend the night alone on the floor of my room. But, instead, he grabs my hand pulling me to my feet. He steadies me as I wobble on uneven legs, "Come on," he says gently, as he leads me to the sitting room. "I saw you grab the bottle so I figured I'd find you like this."

"I let you see me grab the bottle." I grumble. If I wanted to he wouldn't have even seen me leave the room. _Or maybe you aren't as good of a thief as you thought you were. Or maybe you wanted him to find you like this. You want him to take care of you._ Would it be so awful? Having someone to care for me? To lean on when this world gets to heavy? Could I put that burden on him? _Should I?_

"Sure you did." He sits me down on the couch in front of a tray of food. A spread of bread and crackers and cheeses with a couple bottles of water. "Eat."

I go for the water first, still in my own head. Natasa's right, I don't think about anyone but myself. Before Queenstrial, before Gisa's hand was shattered by a security officer, before Kilorn's master died, all I did was think about myself, and my family. Think how we could survive until the next day, the next month, and the next year. _You're river trash,_ she had said. I haven't heard that in what feels like years. "I can't believe that bitch called me river trash." I muse, not realizing I said it out loud.

"She called you what?" Cal barks from the seat across from me.

"Fucking river trash." I say a mouth full of butter smeared bread.

He runs a hand through his hair, "My colors…" He takes a cracker from the tray and chews on it thoughtfully. I couldn't even take a guess as to what he was thinking.

I pull my foot underneath me and I must have hit a button on the remote lost between the cushion because the television turns on. Cal and I both jump in surprise. It's the same news lady as before, and I wonder if she ever goes home.

 _Only a glimpse of Mare Bare and Tiberias Calore as they rode off on a cycle together into the sunset. There is no update on if they returned to the palace or not. Sources say they will be in attendance for the wedding of Julian Jacos and Sara Skonos._ The woman prattles on as I search for the damned remote. I can hear the rev of the cycle's motor through the television. I give up looking for the remote and clench a fist using my ability to leach power from the television. I turn the set off with a loud click and a bit of smoke pours from the back of the screen. I look over to Cal. "Oops." I shrug.

Cal sighs low, "Don't use your ability when you're drunk. It's just not a good idea."

I nod solemnly. Our abilities destroy. I destroy. _M for monster, M for Mare, M for-_

"Mare, did you hear me?" Cal's voice pulls me back, instead of blue eyes I am met with bronze. "I said we should get you to bed."

Again, I cannot stop my mouth before words rush out of it, "Will you stay with me?"

He nods as he stands, reaching his hand out for mine. "Of course I will." He says it as if there was nowhere else for him to be.

I take his hand and let him lead me into the bedroom. He pulls back the blankets on one side of the bed and gestures for me to get in, "Go on," he says, as he starts taking his tie off. I get in, but I don't take my eyes off of him. Twisting in bed to follow him around the room.

He kicks off his shoes first as he walks around the bed, unbuttoning the clasps at his wrists, the buttons down his shirt, taking them off in succession. Next come the belt and pants. He climbs into bed in his underclothes and turns on his side so he can watch me, watch him.

I fall asleep like that, the last thing I see is Cal. I had no nightmares that night.

* * *

I wake to an empty bed, the sun pouring in through the windows, an ocean breeze dancing in the sheer curtains. I run my hand over the spot where Cal was, _did I dream it? Was he even here?_ The spot is still warm, he must have been here. I hear murmuring from the salon, a distinctly male voice and an older female's voice. I recognize Cal's, the hum of his voice like the beat of my own heart, I would have known it anywhere. The salon door is closed and I step softly, trying not to make a sound as I reach the closed door.

"I'm just so happy for you Mr. Calore." It's Mrs. Franklin, I can hear the distinct sounds of silverware hitting a plate.

"Thank you Mrs. Franklin, but nothing has been decided yet." I can almost hear the smile in his voice.

"I know, I'm just an old romantic, you see." She says, Cal responds something but it's too low for me to make out. "Well, even so, I can see she makes you happy. Let me know if you need me to send someone by to clear out the plates later." I hear the click of the door opening and Cal calling out a thank you before it closes again.

"You can come out now, Mare." Cal calls and I open the door sheepishly.

"How'd you know?" I ask entering the salon, taking a seat in the grey armchair across from him.

"I saw your feet under the door." He says with a grin.

"I must be losing my talents," I say jokingly but the smile I pull doesn't reach my eyes. Maybe Natasa was right, and if she is, I'm a poor excuse for a thief.

He pulls his lips into a tight grimace. "What did Natasa say to you?" Sometimes I truly hate that he can read me so easily.

"It doesn't matter." I sigh pulling a steaming cup of coffee into my lap.

"It matters to me." He says leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, waiting for me to continue.

I sigh again, going over the conversation in my head. "She said a bunch of things, how she saw you after a night mare, how I don't think about anyone but myself, how I'm a thief."

"And river trash?" Cal questions.

"Stilts slang." I offer, "It's what they called the poorer reds, the ones that stole what they needed. People like who I was."

He nods solemnly. "I'll have to talk to her."

"And what do you plan to say, Cal?" I put my coffee back down on the table, mirroring his stance.

"What do you want me to say?" He counters. "We haven't finished our conversation from last night."

My stomach flips and my heart races. "No, we haven't."

Cal leans back into the couch, "The students are in class for three months at a time, they get a week break in between sessions. Which means I get a week in between too." He looks down at his lap, picking an invisible piece of lint. "I was thinking, maybe you'd want to come out here on those weeks." He looks back up at me, "Or I can come and visit you in Montfort." He adds quickly. He looks so nervous. "I just want you in my life." He says quietly.

"Three months is a long time." I whisper back to him.

"There are weekends too." He adds.

I don't answer. What he's offering is something that I've thought about every minute for the last week, but I'm terrified. What if this doesn't work, what if this rips us apart farther? What if, what if, what if… there are too many answers to too many questions. _What if during those three months Natasa wins and he's gone?_ The last thought almost rips my heart from my chest.

"What happens when I go to war?" I ask the worst question first.

He looks to the floor, "We…" He trails off, "I don't know." He answers truthfully. "I can tell you I won't be patient waiting for you to come back to me alive or dead, but I do know that this is something that you want and something that you need. I won't be the one to hold you back from that." He sighs leaning forward again. "I also know that when the Lakelands come back I will fight. Whether you are here or not."

I nod, it's the same thing that I would do, just as he knows I will fight raiders if need be when I return to Montfort.

"Can we do this?" I ask, meaning a hundred different questions at once. Can we do the distance? Can we survive the loneliness?

Cal stands and comes to kneel in front of me, taking my hands in his. "All I have ever wanted for the past year and a half is you. I will take you in any capacity I can get as long as I can call you mine. For as long as you will let me."

I put my hand to his cheek, "I've always been yours and you have always been mine." The sentence reassures him as much as it does me. It's true, I've been his since the day he grabbed my hand outside of that tavern.

His hot hands weave into my hair as he pulls me in for a searing kiss. I can't help myself, I hold on to him as if he was going to disappear, as if this were all a dream and I'm afraid to wake.

* * *

The rest of the morning is spent blissfully in my bedroom. When Cal leaves a little before lunch, Farley bursts in mere minutes later. I'm clad in only my robe, picking at the breakfast that was forgotten hours ago.

"Should I worry if you aren't on the jet tomorrow?" She smirks at me as she takes a seat in the grey chair across from me.

I dip my head trying to hide my own smile. "No, you shouldn't." I try and meet her gaze with a stone face but I just can't. My smile permanently plastered onto my lips. I don't elaborate on what Cal and I discussed. I'm aware that Farley is smart and has probably picked up on what is going on, but I'm not sure I want to tell anyone just yet. I'm sure everyone will know by the end of the day anyway.

"Good to know." She says taking a cold piece of bacon from my plate. "I saw your handiwork last night. Looks like Natasa finally got what she was looking for." She adds with a grin.

I smirk at her, "I should have done worse." I tell Farley what happened on the balcony last night, her brow deepening the more I tell her.

"I'll shoot her, if you want." She says once I'm finished. "Or I can have someone shoot her."

I shake my head, "If it comes to that, I'll kill her myself." I take a sip of my coffee, "Cal says he's going to talk to her."

Farley rolls her eyes. "I'm sure."

"My thoughts exactly." I agree with her. "Can I send a letter with you to my parents tomorrow? I think I'm going to stay here an extra week."

"Of course I'll give them the letter." Farley stands with a wink in my direction, "I better get going." She says glancing at her watch. "I've got meetings all day until the wedding but I'll see you then, yeah?"

I nod and mock salute her, "Yes ma'am."

"I forgot how annoying you are when you're happy," She teases and I throw a pillow at her as she leaves the room. But she's right, I am happy. My family is safe, Cal and I are back together and we have a plan. A tentative plan, but a plan all the same. He is mine and I am his.

* * *

Farley and Kilorn are attending meetings all day, Julian and Sara are getting ready for their pending nuptials and Evangeline has been busy with construction meetings, so lunch has a sparse attendance. The only occupants in the small dining room are Davidson and Carmadon, Cal and myself, Annabel and, to my dismay, Natasa.

She sits across from me now and glares whenever Cal isn't looking. I was the last one to arrive for lunch so I had no time to find out if Cal had spoken to her yet. When I took my seat next to him he held my hand above the table, Carmadon winked at me and to my delight, it looked like Natasa's head was about to explode. She hasn't said a word the entire meal.

Annabel has less tact, "How long do you plan to be staying with us, Mare?" She asks staring at our clasped hands.

I smile patiently at the older woman, she tolerates me and I her. The only thing we have in common is the love we have for Cal, "Just another week. Once Cal goes back to Archeon I'll go back to Montfort."

She nods, either approvingly or just to move the conversation along, I'm not sure. "And then after that?" She implores over her wine glass.

I glance at Cal, "He'll come to visit Montfort when he gets a break from classes." I say, and he nods agreeing.

"That's a lot of traveling dear." Annabel says to Cal.

"I'm used to it. And it's not that bad." Cal brushes off his grandmothers concerns. "And I can always get work done on the jet ride there if I need to." Cal glares at her, annoyed at her pushing.

"Okay," Annabel concedes. "As long as you don't let your work slip."

I give his hand a squeeze as the temperature gently rises with his annoyance.

Natasa, brave as she is, decides this is the moment to speak, "Yes, the children must be made a top priority. I'm sure Mare would understand if you couldn't make it one week."

"Miss Barrow." I say and it gives me a devilish pleasure seeing Annabel's eyebrows raise in surprise… and is that, pride? "You may call me Miss Barrow." This is the only time that I've ever told anyone to call me that and to watch the way Natasa's face twist at the name makes it that much more sweeter.

"Miss Barrow," She repeats the name like a curse, but she still uses it all the same. "I meant no disrespect."

"I'm sure you didn't." I sneer at her.

I see Carmadon trying to cover the smile spreading across his face with a napkin.

"Of course the children will be a priority. I am well aware of what my responsibilities are." Cal responds through gritted teeth. He turns to his grandmother before adding, "I also have my own life to live."

"Of course you do," Annabel pats Cal's hand. "I have no doubt you will succeed in all of your endeavors."

"As you always do," Natasa adds raising her wine glass in a mock toast before taking a demure sip.

I absently imagine having Evangeline's ability, manipulating a fork to stab Natasa in the eye. Instead, the lights flicker and I take a deep breath.

"Is everything alright Miss Barrow?" She asks, her voice dripping in sugar and fake concern.

"Everything is fine." I say throwing my hair over one shoulder, this shirt is a bit too low and shows the tops of the M on my collarbone. I see her eyes flicker down to it and catch my gaze again. _I've been through worse than you,_ I think to myself. She purses her lips and looks back down at her plate.

"And what are your future plans," Annabel turns to me. "Are you planning on any wars anytime soon?" She adds with a tight lipped smile.

I match her expression, "I don't plan the wars, I just fight in them." I answer, "There are currently no plans that I'm aware of, for my involvement yet." I look down sheepishly, "My face is a bit too recognizable." I say repeating Farley's words.

Annabel barks a laugh, "Well, I'd say so."

"That's good," Carmadon interjects, "It will give you time for your other interests," he gives me a wink, "Maybe there will be wedding bells of your own to ring."

Cal nearly chokes on his food and my throat goes dry.

"Carmadon, they are still young," Davidson chides his husband, "Give them at least a week." He adds with a wink of his own.

The tips of Cal's ears have gone bone white and I can feel fire on my face. I can feel Natasa's eyes boring into my face, "I actually never really saw Miss Barrow as the marrying kind." She states and while it's true, I have never envisioned myself in a wedding dress or what my wedding day would even look like, but I have never said that thought out loud.

"I'm not sure you know what kind I am." I spit at her from across the table.

"I can take a guess." She mutters and if Cal wasn't holding my hand I would have leapt across the table to tear her throat out.

"That's enough." Cal growls, looking from me to Natasa, "Both of you."

Natasa has the decency to look apologetic, I just glare at him and he squeezes my hand in response.

The rest of the meal is filled with Carmadon and Annabel filling in the conversation. They talk of weddings, different traditions in Montfort and Norta. Carmadon talks of red traditions in Montfort, "Is it the same here for red weddings?"

"It depends on where they live," Natasa speaks again, "I hear the reds in Harbor Bay have different variations of what the reds in the Stilts had."

I remember weddings from the Stilts, a few words, a sparse meal, nothing that I would call a tradition.

She continues, "Mind you, we didn't have that much money, so there would only be a few words said and a small meal the family scraped together. Some uninvited guests would try and steal food from the weddings."

Cal squeezes my hand tightly, silently begging me not to speak.

It doesn't work. "We all had to survive somehow." Kilorn and I, along with a handful of others, were usually those uninvited guests.

"That's what jobs are for." She says as she takes a bite of her salad.

 _I'm going to fucking kill her._ "You know what-" I stand, the lights flickering with my anger, but Cal stands too and cuts me off.

"Excuse us," He says as he practically drags me away from the table. His hand grabbing my upper arm, I could shock him off me, but he knows I won't and I let him pull me from the room.

Once the door is closed behind us I whirl on him, but no words come out, I'm so frustrated that I can't think straight enough to put a sentence together. I want to scream, instead I close my eyes tightly trying to take deep breaths. One of the light bulbs pops in the hall, but only one.

"We're going to have to figure something out for all these light bulbs." Cal muses as he rubs the back of his neck.

"Candles," I say through my gritted teeth.

Cal chuckles, "Yeah, then it'll be me burning stuff when I get angry."

I open my eyes to look up at him, my frustration ebbing away to concern. "You have more control than I do."

He sighs, "Only when you're around." He mutters under his breath.

"What does that mean?" I ask taking a step closer to him.

He puts a hand to my waist, pulling me even closer, "The first couple months were… difficult." He says lowly, "I burnt some books, some clothes, and drapes… and the cycle."

I chuckle quietly, putting a hand to his cheek. "You burnt your cycle."

He bows his head, his forehead pressing into mine, "Yes, that's when I started building the second one."

"Is this one fireproof?" I ask tilting his chin so he'll look at me.

His lips pull into a smirk, "Just about as much as the other one." He lifts one hand and pushes my hair behind my ear.

"Will you teach me how to drive it?" I ask, I hadn't thought about it before, but it would be nice to have my own transport. A way for me to get away quickly, if I needed too.

He pulls back to look at me, his eyebrows high and surprised, "I thought it was a death trap?"

"I've seen worse." I say and he laughs dropping a quick kiss on my lips.

"Of course I'll teach you." He says putting an arm around my shoulder and leading me down the hallway. "I have a meeting in a few minutes but after that I'm all yours until the wedding."

"Would this meeting be with Natasa?" I try to even out my voice, to sound curious but it doesn't work and Cal knows what I mean.

"Yes," he says slowly, "I told you I was going to talk to her."

"I know," I respond softly, "What were you planning on saying to her?"

He runs a hand through his hair, it's starting to curl on the ends. "What we talked about, how it was inappropriate for her to say those things and that I'm only interested in a professional relationship with her."

I would be happier if it was no relationship at all, but this is his work and I can't jeopardize that. If he truly believes she is good for the children, than she should work with the children. She should just stay away from Cal. "Don't forget that I'll kill her." I add with a smirk.

He doesn't take the joke, "Mare," He says quietly as we round the corner to the residence halls, "This isn't a kingdom anymore and I'm not king." He stops us, meeting my gaze, trying to make me understand. "If you kill her, there will be consequences."

I nod, understanding. "I get it," I sigh, "I don't like it, but I get it."

"Good," He says kissing the top of my head, "I know how much you love jail cells."

I wrinkle my nose, granted the jail cell I would land myself in for killing Natasa would be infinitely better than Maven's version of a cell, there would still be silent stone though. I remember the cells at Coros prison and feel a chill go through me.

Cal runs his hands up and down my arms spreading heat through me. "Come on," He says as he guides me down the hall, "You can hang out in my room while you wait. I have a working television."

I laugh and the sound echoes off the walls, "And no lights." He laughs with me, our voices a melody bouncing off the marble walls.

* * *

 **I hope you all liked this one! Please let me know what you think! It seriously brightens my day every time I see I got a new review. Thanks so much for your patience!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

Seventeen

The television casts a strange blue glow around Cal's salon. Surprisingly, the television has more than just broadcasts. There are scripted shows with painted actors and old footage of arena fights, there also are the daily broadcasts, or what Cal calls the news, which play twice a day. When Cal leaves his room the news is on and I can't help but watch it as I lay down on the couch, my head supported by the arm rest.

The same silver woman, Diane, is again on the screen. _She must go home at some time,_ I muse as I watch her. Coincidentally she's reporting on the state dinner last night. Every time I turn this damned thing on they are talking about me.

" _There was a sighting of the Lightning Girl, Mare Barrow, at the state dinner presented by Julian Jacos, envoy of the Nortan Republic, yesterday. There were several in attendance from the Republic of Montfort as well, all dressed in their best."_

The screen flickers to pictures of different couples and statesmen. Evangeline and Elaine are in one, I don't even remember seeing them there. Julian and Sara, of course, her champagne pink dress shimmering in the lights of the camera flashes. Gisa made it, of course. And then there's me, downing a champagne flute in one gulp. Lady Blonos is probably rolling in her grave. _If she has one._

I try and concentrate on the screen and not my dead tutor. The camera is behind me, I'm surprised I wasn't aware of them yesterday. The dress from behind is almost more impressive than the dress form the front. The lightning bolt cut out goes from just below my shoulder blades to my lower back, dimples I didn't know I had visible at the base of the bolt. You can see the scars and lines of battle across my back, Cal's hand firmly placed over them as if protecting them.

He's just as beautiful on screen as he is in person. I must make a request that he wear that suit at every event.

" _It would seem that the famed couple may be back together once again."_ I need to know what this country's obsession is with my love life.

I see Natasa in the video reel as Diane babbles on. She never takes her eyes off me, her brows furrowing every now and then. The expression is familiar but I can't seem to place it. Is she angry, sad? It seems as if she's concentrating hard, but on what I'm not sure. Perhaps her next move to annoy me further.

A brunette comes on the screen next talking about the weather in different parts of the country. _It's raining in the Stilts._ I remember epic storms sweeping through the Stilts in late fall, storms that would rock the house, I would fall asleep to it swaying with the wind or the current. I would lie there hoping it wouldn't topple in the night or be swept away by the river rising to our front door.

As I sit here in a salon meant for a king, that life, those memories seem far away, another lifetime away. How could I be the same girl? The girl covered in mud and bruises sitting here in a palace. Sometimes my journey, the path I took, still amazes me. As if it weren't real, as if it is only a story. A fabled tale grandmothers tell their grandchildren at night. But it is real, it did happen, and it happened to me. And, because of me.

 _I destroy, M is for monster, M is for…_

Cal bursts through the door, effectively pulling me from my thoughts. He smiles, that goofy smirk that curls my toes, and leans over me on the couch, one hand bracing himself on the back rest, the other sinking into the cushion at my side.

"I can get used to this, you know." He whispers as he kisses my lips, my cheek, my jaw, my neck…

I shove at him a bit, trying for distance, if only so I can think straight. "Get used to what?" I ask, his smile infectious. My stomach flutters and my heart skips a beat.

"You," He kisses me, "Here," He kisses the tip of my nose.

I push at him a bit more. None of his schmoozing and kisses can distract me from why he wasn't here to begin with. "How did it go?"

He pulls back, sitting on the couch by my feet. "Better than I thought." He grabs one of my feet and starts massaging the ball of my foot, his heat radiating through with each pass of his fingers. "She apologized for what she said last night. Said she had a bit too much to drink. And for this morning."

"That it?"

"No," He says slowly, looking at me sidelong, "I told her that she needed to respect my boundaries and that her and I are purely co-workers." He picks up my other foot and starts on that one, "She seemed to take it very well. She said she understood and didn't want to cause me any undue stress. And that she's happy we're working it out."

"That doesn't sound right." I blurt out, sitting up on the couch.

"It sounds pretty good to me." Cal lets go of my feet, his hands resting on my ankles.

I narrow my eyes, "I think she's up to something."

Cal rolls his eyes, "Well let's not jump to any conclusions," he warns. "You don't know that for sure."

 _Not at the moment._ I think to myself, but for Cal I nod, "You're right." And mostly under my breath add, "I'll try to behave."

He smiles and it almost makes the lie worth it. Almost. I feel a pit of guilt forming in my stomach. "Good," He says, his hand curling around the back of my neck pulling me to him. "Come here." As if he even had to ask.

* * *

Diana Farley cleans up well, I can see the beauty my brother saw in her. She keeps fiddling with the folds of her dress. A deep scarlet red, it scoops at the neck and down the back, a slit up either sides of her legs. I never noticed how long her legs were before, no wonder she's so tall.

"I don't know how you wear all these dresses." Farley says as she gives me a pained expression. "This is worse than the Guard uniform." She whines.

"Wait till you put on the heels, you'll forget about the dress." I throw over my shoulder as I slip my own dress on. Deep violet purple, almost the same as the black dress form last night, but the back is just as high as the front and the lightning bolts are cut out on the sides, from my ribs to my hips. The fabric is cold and smooth as it goes over my skin. I don't know what Farley is complaining about, this is way more comfortable than the Scarlet Guard uniform.

Sara does not have any ladies in waiting for her walk down the aisle. She said she was too old and didn't have the need for them. I agree, she can walk tall without anyone holding her dress and she is no ones to give away. This time, I get to be a guest. I have no duties other than to show up for the ceremony and the reception to follow.

The servant from last night, Madeline, has already come and gone, braiding mine and Farley's in the same fishtail as before. She seemed elated when we asked her to help us, and even more so when I asked her name and told her to call me Mare. Her smile was bright and young and full of hope. She reminds me of Gisa.

Farley zips up the back of my dress as someone knocks on the door of the salon. "Come in," Farley calls from behind me and Kilorn opens the door.

"Ladies, ladies," He says as he enters the bedroom taking us in. "You look beautiful." He bows at both of us in turn.

"Give it up Warren," Farley bats at him as she passes, picking up her heels by the door. "Let's get this over with." She slips the heels on one at a time and grimaces as she stands fully. "Nope, nope." She kicks them off and walks past me into my closet, coming back with a plain pair of black flats, "These'll do." She waves a hand at us, "Well?"

Kilorn smirks watching her, "After you general."

She rolls her eyes and we follow her out of the room.

* * *

The wedding ceremony is held in a large courtyard, brimming with white and pale pink flowers, green ivy weaving through the garden. It's the same floral arrangement as the bridal luncheon and I know Carmadon must be in charge of flowers, he's ridiculously talented.

Cal is waiting just outside the doorway, his hands in his pockets, his suit black. He spots me immediately, taking my arm in his, "My colors, Gisa is good." He says as he looks at my dress. "You look stunning."

I blush dipping my head, "I really, really like this suit." I say running my hand down a lapel.

"Oh yeah?" He teases as he leads us to our seats, "I should wear it more often."

I nod, "I think so."

He laughs, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and brushing a kiss against my temple. We sit, fairly close, to the right of the alter centered at the end of an aisle draped in white fabric.

"Well hello you two." Evangeline purrs from behind us. "Mare, you look nice. Gisa?" She asks gesturing to the dress, I nod. "I need to talk to her." She muses playfully, but I still see the darkness spread across her eyes. She's not sure if she could even talk to Gisa, let alone request a dress. I don't think that Gisa would turn down an opportunity to make some money, but for Evangeline, what the Ptolemus did to our brother, she might refuse.

Cal is my savior and changes the subject swiftly. "How are the city planning meetings going?"

Evangeline rolls her eyes, "It's like they don't believe me when I say a certain metal isn't strong enough for that damn bridge." She huffs, smoothing down her dress, Elaine takes her hand and Evangeline visibly relaxes. "But, it's coming along. We're starting fabrication on another bridge farther down the river that lifts in the middle to allow taller ships to go through."

Cal and Evangeline start talking about the mechanisms of the bridge and I zone out, watching the crowd still pouring into the room. I notice a woman I recognize with one of the Scarlet Guard generals. Swan I believe her code name was, I've seen the woman she is with before but I can't place from where. Natasa enters behind them, our eyes meet and she looks away first. _Good,_ I think. Maybe Cal was right, maybe she was telling the truth. Something in my gut tells me that's not the case but I choose to ignore it, if not for Julian and Sara, for Cal. I told him I will try to behave and I will.

Evangeline pokes me in the side with something metal to get my attention. "I hear you're staying a week."

I nod. I knew everyone would find out. "Yeah, I am."

"Spar tomorrow?" Her eyes flash over to the direction of Natasa before coming to rest back on mine, the colors of the room reflecting in her dark eyes.

"Yes, please." I agree, I have more than enough frustration bottled up and I need a release.

Evangeline smiles at me, "Regular time." I nod in agreement, turning back in my seat.

Cal looks at me as if I've grown a second head. "You two spar regularly?"

"In Montfort, yeah," I look up at him, "When she's around," I add over my shoulder. I can see Evangeline roll her eyes out of the corner of my vision. "We usually spar every other day."

Cal shrugs, "I never thought I would see it. You and Evangeline Samos, friends."

"We're not friends." Evangeline and I say in unison. "We just don't want to kill each other anymore." I add.

"Just almost kill each other." Cal notes, "Every other day."

"At least she's getting out her frustrations with me in an arena," Evangeline buts in, "And not elsewhere with someone else…" She says trailing off, her implication clear.

Cal shakes his head, the tips of his ears flushing silver, "You guys are so weird." He says brushing off her comment, his hand on my knee.

I shrug. We are weird, that's undeniable, and I have no plausible explanation for it. It just is.

Music began to build in the back of the room. A haunting string produced melody bounced off the marble walls. Julian appeared at the doorway making his way to the alter with a small smile. As if he had a secret no one else did. As if he knew something no one else did.

He met his nephews gaze as he reached his spot in the front of the room, and I noticed Cal give him a small nod of encouragement.

The doors at the back of the door opened and Sara stood, a cascading bouquet of white and pink flowers clasped in her hands. The rustling of clothes and chairs as people stood was almost deafening, muffling the sound of the instruments. Gisa had never made a wedding dress before and I was floored, I knew my sister was talented but I never expected this. The dress was a sheer fabric that shimmered in straight lines as the light danced over her. Sara looked like a star. Her cheeks paled as she glanced around the room, her eyes found Julian and she visibly calmed. I wonder if that's how I look when I see Cal.

Sara didn't falter when she took her first step toward Julian, a steady elegant pace. The words they spoke were not like other weddings I had attended but nothing like Maven's. The thought of him bringing a chill into my bones and I shiver. Cal put an arm around my shoulder, seeping heat in to, surely mistaking the shiver for my being cold.

I took a chance to look at him out of the corner of my eye. His gaze was glued to his uncle and soon to be aunt. _He's mine,_ I thought and a warm bloom filled my stomach. How many times had I thought of our reunion, how many times had I told myself I didn't deserve him or that he wouldn't want me? But here he is, his arm wrapped around me pulling me ever so closer to his side. _And I was always his._ It's undeniable now, but was there really ever a question? I settle into his side and turn my attention back to the bride and groom. _I can do this,_ I think, _I can stay, right here, at his side and never leave._ If I said it enough times, maybe it would be true.

* * *

Voices and laughter filled the hall, the colors of the dresses and suits mirroring a rainbow. I laughed as Cal spun me on the dance floor, a happy song playing through the strings of the musician in the corners instrument. Cal brought me back to his chest, one hand in mine, one on the small of my back. "You getting better at dancing." He smiles at me, a wicked gleam in his eye.

"I must have had an excellent teacher." I smirk back, remembering a dark room and a different song from so long ago.

"Must have." He muses twirling me again.

"You're going to make me dizzy." I groan as the room spins in my vision.

The song begins to change and Cal pulls me from the dance floor, "Let's take a break," He says leading me to a table with Farley and General Swan. "I'll get us something to drink." He leaves a kiss on my cheek and weaves his way through the party toward the bar.

Farley smirks at me as I take my seat, "Having fun, are we?"

I smile at her, "Yes, I am." And I was, I hadn't had this much fun in I don't know how long.

"Good," She says sitting forward in her chair, leaning her elbows on the table. "You know General Swan," Farley nods toward the other general and turns her gaze to the woman I had seen earlier, "And I don't think you've met Halley."

 _Halley,_ the name tugs at a memory. I meet the woman's gaze, her eyes are green, darker than Kilorn's, and almost brown in the light. "I've met you before." I say almost dazed. _She can change her face…_ "You were in Archeon when I was…" I trail off, again not sure how to describe my imprisonment.

She nods solemnly, "Yes, we have, and yes, I was." She reaches a hand across the table, I can see scars marring the pale skin there. "I am truly sorry for your friend."

Farley takes a deep swig of her wine, her gaze far away, unfocused on the crowd in front of her. She looked down at her empty glass, "Well," She said holding it up, "I better get this filled." With that she hefted herself from the chair, General Swan following her with her own empty glass.

I follow Farley's retreating form as she makes her own way through the crowd. I spot Natasa on the edge of the party, her back to the wall. She sips slowly on a champagne flute, her eyes scanning the crowd.

"She's a strange one." Halley says from across the table.

I look back at her, my brows furrowed, "Who?"

"That woman." She tips her head in Natasa's direction. "She has a strange ability. Well, not strange really, just rare."

I can feel my face scrunching in confusion. "What do you mean?" I ask, panic rising in my throat. "She's red."

Halley's own brows furrow, her forehead creasing with the action. "No, she's not." She says slowly. Her eyes dart back to Natasa, widening in concern. "Maybe she doesn't know herself."

I turn fully to face Halley. "What is her ability?" I ask through gritted teeth. The rage boiling up inside me barely contained.

"Sh-She can read your mind." Halley stutters, taken aback by my anger.

"A whisper?" I ask, trying to control myself. The whine of the lights above threatening to split my head in half.

Halley looks at Natasa, her eyes glassing and going far away, "Not quite," She clarifies. "She can read and control thoughts, but not movement."

I turn back to Natasa, her eyes meeting mine through the throng of people. _I know what you are._ I shout in my mind. She takes a step back and my stomach drops. It's true. She can hear my thoughts. The lights above flicker, my rage spilling over.

I will kill her.

* * *

 **I'm soo sorry for the long wait! Hopefully the next one won't be as long. Let me know what you think!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

Eighteen

I'm on my feet in an instant, the lights flashing up above. I blink against the sharpness of the sudden light as people shout and gasp. My head whips back and forth as I search the crowd. She's gone.

I have to find her.

Rage has a strange taste, bitter and sweet and hot in the back of my throat, it boils through my bones and blood, causing my feet to march towards the last spot I saw her at.

"Barrow," Farley growls in my ear, her hand, rough and tight, is wrapped around my arm. She drags me toward the door and it takes all my focus not to shock her. "What are you doing?" She asks through gritted teeth as we walk. I can't answer, all my concentration on my ability and not hurting her, my breathing harsh and quick.

Farley all but throws me into the hallway, I falter in my steps as I try to right myself on these stupid heels. My palms catching me as they slam into the granite wall.

There are people in the hallway, reds and silvers, drinks in their hands. They whisper and glance at us from the corner of their eyes, trying not to stare. I don't care.

Farley glares at them over her shoulder with a snarl, turning she throws her arms wide, "Enjoying the show?" The reds blush and the silvers pale, all shuffling back into the ballroom avoiding her eyes. She turns back to me, her blue eyes alight like the hottest fire, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Her." I growl back at her finally finding my voice. "She's not red." My hands shake with anger.

Farley puts her hands on her hips, clearly exasperated with me. "Who? Who's not red?"

"Natasha!" I practically shout, "She's a fucking newblood whisper." The lights above me pop raining glass onto my shoulders and my hair. I don't move.

Farley's wide eyes search the marble floor as if for an answer. "Halley?" She whispers looking back up to me.

I nod violently, "Yes, Halley said she can read and control thoughts, but not movement." I could feel my blood boiling underneath my skin.

"What's going on?" Cal asks as he enters the hallway behind Farley, a scowl marring his face. Kilorn and Evangeline follow him silently.

"Apparently," Farley says rubbing her face with a hand, "Your little assistant is hiding something."

Cal's gaze turns to me, his face falling in disappointment. "I thought we were past this."

I can feel my face contorting in a scowl, words of anger and betrayal bubble up in my throat but Farley stops me before I can speak. "Natasha is a newblood. A newblood whisper to be precise."

Cal looks at Farley his brows furrowing, but he doesn't speak, his lips purse as if stopping the words before they are spoken.

"Okay," Kilorn says slowly, taking a step forward, "If she is, what do we do about it?" He looks from me to Cal, "She hasn't done anything illegal."

"That we know of," Evangeline pipes in.

Kilorn ignores her and continues, "And she hasn't used her power on anyone."

"Again, that we know of," Evangeline interrupts again.

I look down at the marble beneath my feet, taking deep breaths, "Halley said she might not know, but I tested her. She knows what she is."

"She's probably been playing us for weeks." Farley crosses her arms over her chest taking a step back so she can lean against the wall next to me.

"We don't know that," Cal says pointing a finger, defending Natasha. "She might not know how to control it."

"Or she does and she's been busy manipulating you." I counter, the bastard doesn't believe me. _How can he not believe me? Why is he protecting her?_ "She was in my head not two minutes ago, I know she was, and you're what? Trying to protect her?"

"You don't know all the facts, Mare," Cal growls.

I take a step forward getting in his space, "She was in my fucking head Cal, how's that for a fact?"

Cal takes a step back looking down the hallway not answering me, not looking at me. He can't meet my eyes.

"You knew." I breathe, the air rushing from my lungs as if I had been punched in the gut. It's like the world has come crumbling down around me. He still won't meet my eyes and I feel a steel grip around my heart. I push him in the chest sending him back a few steps. "You knew!"

"Mare," He tries reaching for my hands to hold me back. "Mare, listen."

"How could you?!" I pushed at him again, purple white sparks dance across my fingers. I couldn't pull them back now if I tried. The buzz of electricity rings in my ears and a few more light bulbs pop.

"Mare, stop." Kilorn pulls my arm back, his hair standing on end with the static.

There has only been one other time that I have felt this betrayed. But instead of kneeling in a grand hall in front of a king, this time I can barely stand, my knees knocking together, looking at the love of my life like I don't recognize him. Cal looks at the ground, hands still at his sides. The air around me is cold and I don't think I could ever get warm again, the ice settling in my bones.

"I didn't tell you for a reason." He whispers to the floor.

"Bullshit." I spit at him, "She wouldn't have been able to save him." _Maven._ He knows who I'm taking about, what I mean. I want Cal to hurt just as much as I do right now. I feel as if my heart has been ripped from my chest, the gaping wound oozing anger and vitriol. "He was dead long before I killed him." I snarl.

He looks at me then, the pain and anger in his bronze eyes freezing me on the spot. I almost looked to see if my fingers were turning blue.

"I know that," His teeth grit together, his fists balling at his sides, "She doesn't know how to control it."

Evangeline scoffs, Cal doesn't turn but his eyes close in exasperation.

"Then why is she in my fucking head?!" I shout, another light down the hall pops and shatters, the hall becoming dim and dark.

His eyes seem to fill with fire, "I don't know." I can hear his teeth snapping with the words.

Farley pinches the bridge of her nose as she takes a deep breath. "We are supposed to be leaving tomorrow." She says to no one in particular. She raises her gaze to Kilorn, "I'm staying until this is settled."

Kilorn nods, "I will too."

"Farley," Cal starts but she cuts him off.

"No. You had more than enough time to settle this shit without us and you didn't. You let a whisper run wild with dignitaries and political alliances. You have put everything we have worked for in jeopardy."

"But-" He tries to cut in but she keeps going.

"And you believed her when she said she couldn't control it?" She scoffs, "Did you learn nothing from Elara? From Samson? From your mother?" She shakes her head at him, "One thing I've always agreed on with Iris and the rest of the Lakelander Royalty is that there is no place for whispers in this world."

Cal's brows furrow, "That's no better than saying there are no place for reds in this world. Both are incorrect."

"Then what Cal?" She argues, her voice rising with every word, "Are you just going to keep her around like a pet?" Victory and the past few months have not eased the relationship between these two. Farley squares her shoulders and pushes off the wall taking a measured step toward Cal. "I wonder how long you've been hiding this?" She says her eyes narrowing. "You've had her in several state meetings Cal."

He doesn't back down, "What are you trying to say Farley?" A muscle jumps in his jaw, sparks dance across his wrist but he doesn't ignite them.

"I think you know, Calore," She doesn't back down, she knows what he's capable of and she also knows he wouldn't and couldn't burn us all. "It wouldn't be the first time that you switched sides on us."

"Farley-" Cal growls taking a step forward, fist clenched, but Kilorn jumps between them.

"Hey, cut it out, both of you." He says giving them each a pointed glance. His green eyes resting on Cal, "Take a walk." He tips his chin down the hall. "You two yelling at each other in the middle of the hall isn't helping anything." Kilorn's eyes bounce to me behind Farley, "You too, get yourself under control. I'll get Davidson and Julian and we will meet back in the council chambers tonight after everyone has left. And we will talk about this civilly, is that clear?" He looks at each of us in turn. Evangeline is busy inspecting her nails as Farley and I huff, our breathing coming quick and fast in anger.

Farley's lips are thin, her eyes narrowed as she points a finger at Cal, "If I find out you were up to something, I swear it on Clara's life, I will kill you." She turns and stomps down the hall.

Kilorn lets his head fall back, looking up to the ceiling unseeing. "And I thought I would just get drunk and enjoy the night, but no, of course not." He sighs, glancing at me. My hands are balled into fists and my shoulders are tight. "Go back to your room, calm down. I'll come and get you later."

I nod curtly. He's right, I know he is, but the rage simmering under my skin calls for violence and I don't move.

He watches me warily before he turns back to the ballroom, shaking his head and shoving his hands in his pockets. Evangeline follows him slowly, looking at me over her shoulder before the door closes behind her.

"Mare." Cal's voice is rough, like my name tore its way out of his throat.

He reaches for me and I recoil.

His expression falls, pain etched in every line. "Mare, please." He begs taking a step forward his hand still reaching for mine.

"Don't." I warn. I can't have him touch me. Not now. I can't let his warmth seep into my bones or my heart. "I trusted you." I hold onto the cold wrapping around me as if the ice in my veins will protect me from his fire.

His hand drops back to his side. "Please let me explain."

I shake my head, "You can explain later. To everyone." I turn on my heel, sparks trailing behind me. I don't look back.

* * *

My room is dark, the lights had exploded as I entered the room.

Glass crunches underneath Farley's feet as she makes her way to me. I sit under the window, knees up to my chin, still in my dress. Farley has changed, her dress replaced by black slacks and a black top. She taps my foot with her big Scarlett Guard boots, "Hey."

"Hey," I respond not raising my head.

"You popped some lights in my room too." She says sitting down next to me, her back resting against the wall, her long legs splayed out before her.

"Sorry."

She shrugs, "If I could, I probably would too."

"What are we going to do?" I ask turning to look at her.

She runs a hand down her face, "I don't know. Other than her reading thoughts, she hasn't really done anything wrong. Maybe Cal's right, maybe she barely knows how to control it."

"I don't buy that." I stretch my legs out and put my hands in my lap.

"I know, I don't either." She tips her head back, letting it rest against the wall as she stares up at the ceiling. "I just want to see my daughter."

"You don't have to stay. I can take care of this."

She looks at me out of the corner of her eye, not convinced. "Sure you will. Natasha will be right next to Maven if I let you handle it." At the look on my face she scrubs her face again, "That's not what I meant."

"No?" I ask, "I'm not a murderer Farley."

"I know you're not. It's just…" She trails off looking up to the ceiling again. "Between war and this… it's hard to remember it's over." She sighs, "I'm still ready to fight, waiting for the next battle."

"I am too." The constant anxiety and tension of victory is not as sweet as I thought it would be. There is still pending doom on the horizon and I keep watching, keep waiting for next fight. "What am I going to do?" About Cal, about it all.

Farley takes a deep breath and wraps an arm around my shoulder pulling me into her side. We don't talk for a long time, both knowing there's nothing to say, no answer to make all of this okay.

* * *

"We can't have her in state meetings, who knows where her allegiance lie." Kilorn argues from one of the plush chairs in the council chambers, a chorus of nods and agreement follow his sentiment. Cal remains silent.

Like the rest of the palace the council chambers have been redecorated. A large oak table sits in the middle of the room, large arm chairs surround it and there are no chairs at either head of the table. There is no longer a king and there is no chair for a ruler. Eight of us sit around the table, changed out of our wedding attire, you could almost forget the occupants were not common.

Evangeline clicks her metal covered claws on the table. "Of course not," She agrees, "Nor should she be in the palace. There are too many people here for her to damage what we've accomplished."

"We?" Cal toys with the edge of the table, looking across at Evangeline, speaking for the first time, "If I remember correctly, you weren't too keen to help the cause."

She leans over the table threateningly, "And if I remember correctly, neither were you, your highness," She spits the title at him like it disgusts her even though a few short months ago she was royalty herself. "You know what I've sacrificed for this world," She continues and I can feel the metal in my chair groan and tighten with her anger, "How dare you."

I put a hand to her wrist trying to still her. She turns to me and takes a breath, I feel my chair relax underneath me with her exhale.

"We have all sacrificed for this world," Julian looks tired, the man was just newlywed mere hours ago and it seems years away. "But Kilorn is right, we can't have her in meetings where anything delicate is discussed."

"She can read minds Julian, being kicked out of a few meetings isn't going to stop her." Farley sighs turning to Cal, her brow raised. "Are you going to tell us how this all happened?"

Cal at least has the decency to look guilty. _He is guilty,_ I feel my anger rise the longer I look at him, the hollow pit in my chest swallowing me whole into a deep darkness. When the lights dim I have to look away before I pop more bulbs.

I can feel his eyes watch me, the heat of his gaze dragging up my form and stilling on my face. I will not meet his gaze. I cannot. I won't.

"We needed extra hands with the kids. Extra teachers," He starts, his words slow as if he is remembering a dream. "There was a job opening and Natasha best fit the description." He pauses, as if thinking deep about what comes next. I still cannot look at him. "We hired her. Everything was going well in the beginning, it was as if she could anticipate what I needed before I spoke it."

Farley scoffs crossing her arms over her chest.

Cal continues, not sparing a glance for the general across from him, "Within a week she had answered a question I didn't say out loud. I knew then."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Julian asks, his voice strained and pleading. He searches his nephew's face, fear etching the deep age lines around his mouth and eyes. I can tell the ghost of his sister is not far from his mind, her life stolen away by a whisper.

"I don't know, I wanted to," Cal says, "But something kept stopping me."

"Or someone." Evangeline interjects.

Heat ripples across the air so quickly you could almost see it. "She doesn't know how to control it." He repeats for the umpteenth time as his fist hits the table.

"That's what she tells you," Evangeline pushes, "You have no idea if that's true or not."

Cal says nothing, he knows it's true but he won't admit that to Evangeline.

"If she is telling the truth," I say speaking for the first time, "And she doesn't know what she's doing, what do we do with her?"

"She cannot continue working at the Academy, that's for sure." Cameron answers from across from me.

"No shit." Farley scoffs next to me, her arms still crossed over her chest, her knee bobbing up and down.

"Obviously," I continue, "But then what?" I look up and down the table, "Do we just let her go?"

Davidson shrugs, "I suppose, if she truly hasn't done anything wrong then yes, we would have to let her go."

"She could be valuable." Cal argues, "We should put her in a new role, not exile her for what she is."

Sparks race down my arms and I sit forward in my chair, "What value, Cal? You want to use her for interrogations?" I grip the edge of the table, "Maybe you want to put her in manacles and have her trail you around?" I can taste the bitterness like blood on my tongue.

"Mare." Evangeline whispers.

My gaze snaps to hers, "What?! Maybe you could make her a new collar?" I can feel rage building in my chest again and I dig my nails into the wood of the table. I turn back to Cal, bronze eyes full of pain meeting my fury filled ones. "Tell me, _Tiberias_ , what value is she?"

Cal winces at my use of his name and he rubs a hand down his face.

"What if she is lying?" Cameron asks quietly before Cal can speak. "What if she knows what she's doing? What she is?"

"She'll be arrested and tried." Julian answers with a sigh. "We need to find out either way." He looks to Cal, "She will need to be questioned."

Davidson adjusts in his chair, "Cameron, I believe we may need your assistance in silencing her ability. We don't want her to hear our thoughts while we question her."

Cameron nods solemnly. She has gained more and more control over her ability over the months but she still has not come to like what she can do. I fight the chill running up my spine at the thought of her silence.

"We need to find her first." Kilorn leans back in his chair, putting an arm around the back of Cameron's.

"Has anyone seen her?" Farley leans her elbows on the table, looking up and down at each face in turn. No one has seen her.

"Great," I grumble, pushing myself from the table. "I'll start looking for her."

Cal's gaze snaps up to mine, "I'll help you." He offers.

I stand from the table, "I don't need your help."

"Mare, please." He stands as well, his eyes pleading with me. I can feel six pairs of eyes ping-pong between us.

I watch him, the man I love, the one I had thought about every moment for three months, the one I had cried for, the one that shattered whatever I had left of my heart. I shake my head at him.

"No." I don't spare him another glance as I walk out of the chambers. I can't.

* * *

 **OMG I'm soo sorry for the long wait! I try to have at least one chapter a week and this month has just gotten away from me. Thank you all so much for the love, I hope you like this chapter. Let me know what you think!  
**


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